What I Want...

You, cooking me dinner at night. Us, walking on the beach. Me, putting the crease in your pants.

Hope This Link Works.

http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=2539741

I've been struggling with anger lately. Not getting enough sleep, not performing to my normal high standards, being much too hard on myself and intolerant of others. I'm longing for intimacy in my life, it seems completely lacking. A slow cup of coffee in the morning exchanging stimulating conversation with someone. A glass of wine in the garden with good girlfriends after a long work day. The touch of skin on skin. All those things that make me feel extraordinarily and wonderfully female. Then someone sent me the above video. Hopefully the link works and you can see it. It made me smile and also realize I have many blessings in my life. And I do. Right now, intimate sharing isn't one of them. Maybe soon!

What Is A Wife?

The bible says a virtuous wife is worth more than rubies and that the heart of her husband trusts her. Because he can trust her, his gain increases. Her husband and her children praise her, the work she does praises her as well. A friend of mine tonight asked me to help him revamp his resume so that he could begin applying for a pastoral position. When I sat down at the computer, I thought it would be a typical research project to see what goes in a pastoral resume followed by a cut and paste job with his. Instead, it became a spiritual awakening. Revisiting childhood verses with adult eyes. Remembering my thoughts of growing up and being someone's wife, someone's mother...the dreams I was allowed to have, quelling the others of teacher, writer, adventurer. So now what? It's all these years later and my dreams have come full circle. I have been someone's wife, I am many someone's mother, I have written, I have taught...in some ways have adventured. I crushed my spirit behind religion. I closed out the wife part of me because I found it wrapped in a strange cloak of religous expectations and yet I've spent my life's work being someone's wife.
A wife nurtures, she toils with her hands, she is trustworthy, her husband sings her praises. I have been a wife to the homeless women I love so much who lost not only thier own childhood but their children's. I have been a wife to men coming out of prison who needed someone to look at them with respect for the men they are. I have been a wife to my friends who needed rides, their laundry done, a home cooked meal. I have put on an air of bravado and said "I shall never be someone's wife" when I've lived as everyone's wife.
I want to be a wife to many and THE wife of one. I want that one to know that even though I wive many, I am the wife of only one. I want the respect, the honor, the trust in knowing that forever my one will be supported, nurtured and revered.
I am the wife to many and yet and I am no one's wife.

I Did It Again

I learn, or at least, hear great lessons and then don't actually incorporate them into my life. I know, for sure, that I need to slow down, gather more information, see bigger pictures. Instead, I take a small piece of information and extrapolate what I think I know and respond to what I think I know instead of what I actually know. And, then someone, in this case Khalil, has to put back in my place and point out that I behaved ways that don't lead me to the outcomes I desire. I learned a valuable lesson today, about love...even our enemies. "Our struggle is defined by what we are for, not what we are against." I am humbled and honored to be confronted in such a gentle manner even when I'm acting on presumptions and going where I don't want to go.
I don't have much to offer the world...except for me. I want that me to be the most authentic version of me possible. I want who I am, what I stand for, to come through each encounter. When I act like I did today, that doesn't happen.

What's On My Mind Tonight

I'm attending a conference that has to do with my graduate studies and is focused on adult learning, experential learning. These are the highlights that are rummaging around in my head: We need to provide adults with experiences that allow human beings to become more human. To expose those parts of us that have been ridiculed, dismissed and not honored. Someone said today "corrective emotional experience." Those times when it's okay to screw up, it's okay to expose your naked underbelly and have someone there who is not daunted by your crimes, your past, your present neurosis and allows you to hold all of your humanity.
I got this definition of mindfulness today: paying attention, on purpose, to the present moment without judgement of the experience. I pray, with sincerity, that I can practice more mindfulness in every moment of my life. To create moments where I can become more human and allow others the space and safety to be more human with me.
I questiion, how do I end this war with myself? How do I end the chaos of choosing to be intellectual and neglecting the spiritual? Last night I listened to Khalil Osiris (Google him) speak. His words, his thoughts, his presence have been with me all day today. This intellectual, educated human balancing that with a spirit that exudes relationship. And today I was continually put in the path of people who practice spirituality in their lives. I understand the universe is leading me to balance, I hope I'm courageous enough to begin exploring those parts of myself that need unearthing. I hope that I can provide myself the same level of compassion and forgiveness that I provide others. In doing so, as I become more comfortable with me, it is my passion and purpose to share that with you so that together we can create a community of people at home with our human-ness.

Tangible

1 a: capable of being perceived especially by the sense of touch : palpable b: substantially real : material
2: capable of being precisely identified or realized by the mind

That's the Webster definition of tangible and exactly what I meant by my use of the word. I rarely use words I don't mean to use. Yesterday when I wrote about love being tangible, I got some feedback about tangible meaning monetary...which isn't what I meant. Of course, I'm not above being a kept woman and would entertain the idea....
Seriously, love is touch, feel, smell..it appeals to your senses. It's not some intangible, inactive "feeling." It's telling me the truth even when I don't want to hear it (Myles and Cooper are great at this). It's my kids and I pooling together groceries out of everyone's fridge and making an awesome Mexcian dinner. It's me and the Taylors sitting in the garden drinking wine (can't say enough how much I love that). Love is not some floaty feeling, it's a commitment and it's action.
Back to the kept woman thing, really. If I was kept, I would spend my time volunteering. I would read amazing books. Clean house like I want to clean house. I'd bake cookies. I'd drink wine in the garden. I'd take photos. I wouldn't have anymore kids, but I'd have Jakobi over more.

What I'm Learning

This has been a tough year...well, actually the time I was in Oregon was great and I learned a lot about myself. I came back to Seattle because I felt that it was "home" because I wanted to be able to do work that was meaningful. That's not working out so well. I've made a new friend, Myles, who I will love forever. I've not been able to find stable housing or a stable job. I get to see my kids more, have Jakobi sleep over - those are good things. What I'm learning during this time is this: the people who love me do so all the time and in tangible ways. I was "chatting" with Nancy, stressing about how does one get a job if one's phone is turned off and she and Nora paid the bill! Even though I said I didn't know when I'd have the money to pay back...still they love me all the time. I'm learning to live each day making a list that leads to the end goals. I made a list of goals for the next three years, put them on a 3x5 card and each day write a to do list that includes something that will lead me closer to accomplishing those goals.
Did I make the right decision in coming back to Seattle? I wouldn't know Myles if I hadn't, I wouldn't be learning the things I'm learning. I guess there's no reason to second guess. I'm here. I have to live with what is and not worry about what comes next or what came before.