Monday, August 31, 2009


He entered my life without pretense or fabrication. But it was easy, requiring no lubrication.

He began slowly, probing softly – looking for truth and authenticity. When he knew it was there but wasn’t quite ready to be released, he went deeper, harder, faster demanding the response. Increasing the rhythm until, breathlessly, I surrendered.

His intellect gets my creative juices flowing. He spurs thoughts that get words tumbling out like water falls and he drinks my juices as if they are life sustaining.

He is beside me, in front of me, behind me, on top of me, under me - sometimes going so deep I can feel him in the back of my throat and the pit of my stomach. Other times, he leads from a distance expecting me to keep up, pay attention, come get what my body, mind and soul crave.

When I get there, it’s sweeter, stronger, more powerful than the last time. My soul laid bare in front of him, everything opened wide ready for him to enter where he pleases. His eyes penetrate me finding sweet spots in my soul that leave me fully exposed, satisfied and begging for more.

He finds those holes that are most vulnerable. First, telling me he’s going there. Pushing past my resistance until I succumb to his demands and then he pierces them. Slowly at first, knowing this is difficult for me. Then more demanding, with force, meeting my eyes while he creates desire for more and then fulfills it. Getting to all those places I’ve hidden behind walls of toughness, casualness and that have kept me disconnected from my Self.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

My Amazing Family

We are going through a new experience. My youngest daughter is living through a major loss. The first death of her young life. And, being the brilliant girl that she is, she's reaching out to those she needs. Those she knows love her. Her older brother came over, we ate together. She called her sisters...they talked to her. And then she asked for exactly what she needed. Jakobi, her 3-year-old nephew. She just wants him to come sleep with her. So right now they're out in the living room eating 'nilla wafers and milk. She has tears that just can't quite stop. It's somber here tonight...but at the same peaceful. I just heard Jakobi's voice "what you doing?" "Snapping my fingers." "Oh, good." And they continue reading the book, her voice quavering as she loves hard. As she seeks to hold on to life.

A man I love very much told me earlier "What this has me considering if I've loved you as hard as I can. If today was the last day we ever talked, would I have said enough? Would you know how much I love you? I'm disappointed in myself. I haven't been all I could be." Life is crazy. But the love of this family is astounding. Her dad is coming tomorrow. We will be parents loving our child together.

As a mom, it's painful to know that there is simply nothing more I can do than to be here. I've called off work for the weekend. We'll be a family, holding on to life together. Supporting my youngest child through something none of the rest of us have been through.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Love Is A Challenge

It challenges me to be better than I ever thought I could be. It challenges me to look at myself with honesty and clarity. It seeks out those spots that lead to disruptive and self-destructive habits in order to remove them. It has power to connect me to my humanity so that I can connect to your humanity.

I'm in love like this. It's not like I thought it would be. But, damn, it is powerful and amazing. Reaching far beyond the normal limits of time and space. Reaching more than just my skin. It reaches my intellect, my spirit, the very soul of my being.

This love is more real, more tangible, more challenging and more comforting than anything I've ever experienced. The passion ignites fire that cannot easily be quelled. My brain responds in ways never before opened. I'm finding god in small things, signs making the lessons real and permanent. My intellect and my spirit no longer at war with one another.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Life Is A Game

And we're all playing it. The trick is finding out what the game is. We seek out people who want to play the game "our way" by our rules. When we meet people who are playing a different game, we hang out for a while to see if can adjust our game plan and become part of their team. We begin to decipher their moves. Are we playing offense or defense? Are we on the same team or the opposite team? Are we rivals or we're on separate teams but headed towards the same prize - which at some point means we have to compete with one another.

We assess one another to see what uniform to wear - casual, dressy, pressed, professional, sweats, labels - all these symbols mean something and we strive to convey meaning of what team we're on, who we're playing for, what our game plan is, how we fit with your team (or not) and how we're going to get in your locker room in an effort to gain your secrets.

I'ma watch you, watch your body language, study your moves, pay attention to what your focus is, what your priorities are, how I can get from you what I need to be successful at my game plan. Cold you say? No, just honest. Because we all do it. My language changes, my posture changes, my clothing changes depending on who I'm going to meet today. Whether they're on my team, the opposing team or just trying to get a little game of their own going.

I'm tired of the politically correct, shrouded in defense, unable to speak truth, lying, game playing mofos. Let's strip to our skins - no shirts vs. skins game. Just skin on skin telling it like it is. Just my nakedness and raw truth telling you how I see things and listening to you tell me how you see things.

I know, it's difficult. But because I share this with at least one person in my life, I know it's possible for more. I know it's possible for me to be that raw, that open to critique and that able to tell the truth. I don't want to play games anymore. I didn't get a rule book and I don't want to play.