Mortar and Gold

Years ago I fell apart into a million little pieces.  I picked up the pieces, put them in a box and put the box on a shelf. Oregon. Washington. Mexico. Louisiana. California. Alaska. I travelled and or lived in all these places lugging the box of pieces with me, but never opening the lid to look inside.  It’s the pieces of me I couldn’t be.

It’s years later. I’ve sat still for a bit, took the box off the shelf, opened the lid and looked at the pieces of who I used to be and wonder how to put myself back together. When you open a puzzle box there’s a picture on the cover to guide you and the pieces are cut to fit together just so.  This box doesn’t have a picture and the pieces aren’t cut to fit together just so. There are big pieces. Small pieces. Some with extremely sharp edges. Some shattered but not broken. Some shattered into such small pieces they’re barely visible.

If there’s no picture and the pieces don’t fit just so, how do I put the pieces back together? How do I become whole again? Masons use mortar. A workable paste used to bind building blocks together. Used to fill in all the irregular gaps and sometimes used to add decoration. In Japan they practice Kintsugi- the art of precious scars. Broken pottery is repaired with gold making the brokeness a thing of beauty.

I found the courage to take this box of broken pieces off the shelf. I took the lid off and I’m looking at the pieces of me. I’m holding the brokenness with forgiveness and compassion. Now how do I put the pieces back together? What’s the mortar used to hold my pieces in place and fill in irregular gaps? What do I use for gold to fill in the cracks and make my brokenness a thing of beauty?