Friday, December 25, 2015

Full Moon Prayers

Meditate.  Live purely.  Be quiet.  Do your work with mastery.  Like the moon, come out from behind the clouds!  Shine.  ~Buddha

There’s a full moon tonight.  It is trying to peek out from the storm clouds in the sky.  As the clouds move, you see it in all its glory then the clouds move again and cover it.  But it’s still there.  I know it’s there, even when I can’t see it…because I did see it.  Just because the clouds cover it, doesn’t mean it’s not still there big and beautiful in the sky. 

I’m still here. Still a whole being.  I may be covered in clouds right now which are bringing some storms, but I’m still here. I’m still full, still shining, still doing what it is I’ve been called to do.  Be me.  I’m being me. 

Next month, the full moon will come again.  In the meantime, it will be doing what it needs to be doing in order to make the oceans flow and the Universe function.  From now until then, one moment at a time, one day at a time, one step at a time, I will be moving forward doing what it takes to make me function.  Just because all of me may not be visible right now, I’m still here.

I’m going to stop fighting the weather, stop trying to force conditions before they’re ready.  I’m about to bundle up, protect myself from the storms, and trust the Universe to run on course in perfect time.
I’m sad, smart, tired, hopeful, worried, ready for the next chapter, confident, flexible, stubborn, angry, sorry, resolved. 


Thursday, December 24, 2015

Rejection, Resilence

I wanted him to want me. He didn’t want me.  So why am I so hurt now by the reality that he doesn’t miss me?  How can you miss what you never wanted? 

Why is it so hard to sit with rejection even when we knew it was coming?  There’s a heaviness in my chest, an ache in my arms, a catch in my throat.  I’m not falling apart, but I’m not all together either.  I’m in between. Between here and there.  Between where I was and where I’m going.  We’re not together, but I don’t quite yet know how to be apart.  I’m alone, but not…yet. 

While as humans we shouldn’t base our self-esteem on others, it’s very difficult to not question ‘what’s wrong with me’ when facing the rejection of someone we love.  Especially someone we desperately wanted to love us back.  The rejection of love is difficult to take, leaves most of us a little lost, without direction. 

We plan a life with someone. We give up the life we had to create a new one.  We go from me to us…and back to me again.  Sometimes so quickly and with so much loss it’s difficult to find our bearings again.  There isn’t a single resemblance to the life you had before and thoughts of creating a new life with such threadbare means is overwhelming.

And yet…we do.  We find our footing on a precarious path to tomorrow.  We assess what’s left.  We remind ourselves of what is good about us. We surround ourselves with family and friends who actually love us. Who make us smile, who remind of us what’s important in life.  Eventually, the hurt heals.  We create a new life including the learning we gained from this experience, we grow and expand in our capacity to love ourselves.  We are resilient creatures with an endless supply of grace.  We get through, we move on, we laugh again. It's a journey...from us to me. From here to there.  From now until then.  

Friday, December 18, 2015

What Race Are You Running?

If you woke up one morning, stripped of all you own, and were told that in order to stay alive you have race up a hill with all the other people, the winner lives, everyone else perishes: Would you run the race?

I'd let someone else run the race...not because it's impossible, but because I just don't feel like competing anymore. Not in that race, with every other human being. Because competition, a race, winners and losers no longer appeal to me. And to win what? If I'm the only one alive at the end of the race, what's the point? I'm still alone...for no good reason.
I'd look around, find the kindred soul and find something meaningful to do for the remainder of our time. Even if that time is very short. I'd rather be with one person, having great conversation, passionate sex, delicious food and meaningful connection for a very short time rather than be running a useless race with a bunch of people who don't matter. 

Perhaps that is how our life started with a million sperm racing to reach the mark first. It's not how I want mine to end. Let others scramble, race, compete, fight, do too much, move too fast and achieve almost nothing in the process. I want relationships that matter. With very few people. My children so that they can have significant relationships with their children. If I could find one person, just one, that I could be fully naked with, fully vulnerable, fully loved, fully honest and move very slowly and peacefully, my life would have meaning and fulfillment.

I want something more...something better...something deeper...something real. I can try, push, pull, demand, manipulate, pout, reject, fight and a myriad of other contortions in order to force something that isn't there. When what I need to do is vulnerable...It's in the being where what I want will be gotten, not in the doing. 

I am trying. It's so much easier to cook, clean, do laundry, earn money, make motions, laugh, don't speak, demand...hide....I haven't yet learned how to just be and let life happen. I am too controlling. Too insecure. Too afraid of rejection. Not yet completely comfortable being brave. I talk often and say nothing. I need to speak less and say more. 

What I want is easily definable, difficult to attain.

My advice to myself: Just sit if that's what you need to do. Be still and think before you speak. Listen to yourself. Be compassionate and not purposefully hurtful. Don't blame. Be loving. And brave.

Thursday, November 5, 2015

The End

I really want to be done with you. My feelings for you will never change, never diminish, never be absent. Your presence in my life will constantly be're part of're in me. At the same time, I don't want anything to do with you.

The beginning decades of my life were so complicated, messy, full of struggle, along with an immense amount of joy, success, fun and learning. I want the ending decades of my life to easy, peaceful, smooth and without the ups and downs but with the joy, fun and continued learning. You're complicated, messy, a roller coaster of ups and downs, a culture I don't understand and don't want to be part of, you're dishonest when it suits you, you are in an entirely different place than me.

Age is a factor as well as experience. You've missed out on a ton of experiences that you still want to have. I am not in the same place. We are not the right choice for one another. No one is wrong, no one is right...we just have to recognize that we, jointly and separately, are not enough. 

I just want to be done. Not in a bad, negative, angry way. But in a resolved, we've done all we can here, way. 

Wednesday, October 21, 2015


If someone in their fifties said to you "I haven't changed since I was a kid", would you think that was positive or negative?  Is consistency a better quality than ever changing growth?   If we aren't learning from our experiences and allowing those experiences to change us, what's the purpose of being here?  Is the purpose for our life just to exist?  To just 'be who we are'? Is the idea of not changing at all evidence of great self confidence and self knowledge or is it a sign of extreme stubbornness and ignorance?

If change is inevitable, than why do we as humans consistently make the same mistakes? Why do we make choices that are contrary to our nature? Why is that we do what we don't want and don't do what we do want?

What is the purpose of relationships? To change us? To grow us? Or to exist together and be who we are? If relationships and experiences don't change us and our entire goal in life is to 'just be', then wouldn't extreme hedonism and selfishness be hallmarks of our lives?

Obviously, I lean towards the life is all about the changes opinion.  How can we possibly just remain the same without letting the experiences of our life change us?  Is the purpose of our life to become more of who we are with each encounter we have with ourselves or with others?

I want to change. I want to leave behind the insecurities of my youth, the lack of ability to care for myself. Change is paramount in creating a life that makes sense.  Change is required in the effort to become the best person I can be.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Learning To Love

This has been a week of newness and discovering much about love. What it is and what it isn' me. Love is commitment and action. Feelings come and go, but when you love someone you keep loving them, even in their absence, even when you don't understand why. On the bus yesterday I sat across from an "only in Seattle" couple. A bio female person who was quite masculine paired with a bio male person who was quite feminine. A complete reversal of "nature made." This couple was probably somewhere near 60, the wedding bands on their hands long ago creating deep indentations that even if the rings were removed would remain. The comfort they showed with one another, the ease with which they moved in unison, the whispering in one another's ears to be both heard over the bus noises and to be heard only by one another, the emotion that poured from their eyes. Yes, I was's a bad habit of mine.

I got off the bus and ended up taking a long walk instead of the two blocks home. I wanted to feel the wind moving about me, sit with that love flowing on the bus. I didn't want to let it go just yet. I don't have that kind of love in my life. I don't have someone who loves me and allows me to be fully myself.

What Would You Say To Your 18-Year-Old Self

I did something today I’ve never done before: I picked up a hitchhiker.  He was on the highway right outside Elisabeth’s work with a sign that said “Portland”.  Traffic was stuck and I spent a few minutes just watching him. His other sign said “Just Showered” – that one made me giggle.  He was a kid, I guessed him to be 20 or so. I have no idea what inspired me to pick him up, but I did. I pulled over, he came running to the window and I said, I can get you close, within about 40 miles. He smiled, and said “Anything’s better than here, right?” I popped the trunk and he threw his incredibly large but very well and tightly packed backpack in the trunk.

As he jumped in the passenger seat, he said, I’m Jack and stretched out his hand.  He’s 18 and this is his college education.  He graduated from high school, came to Port Angeles for a family reunion with his family. When they flew home to Akron, OH he went into the woods for some solo camping. He made it from there to Seattle and from Seattle to Lakewood.  He doesn’t know what he wants to do, so he’s traveling a bit.  He figured why waste his parents hard earned money on a college education when he doesn’t even know who he is or what he wants. Smart kid – he’s getting an education by seeing the world and meeting people.  After a few minutes of introductions and the basics, there was a moment of silence and then Jack, with sincere desire for an answer, asked:

If you could say one thing to your 18-year-old self, what would it be?
I blurted out, “Don’t get married!” I followed that up with what I really meant: listen to yourself.  Don’t ever ignore that voice in your head, the feeling in your gut, the tightness in your throat.  Trust yourself more than you trust anyone else.

When I got married at 18, I knew it was wrong.  That single decision to ignore the sound of my own voice, the tightening in my throat, the feeling in my gut  shut down the voice in my head for the next 27 years.  My voice was silenced and replaced with the desire to please men and their voices became louder than my own.  The next 27 years were spent riding a roller coaster fueled by the lack of ability to hear myself.  It took almost complete devastation, getting my heart broken in a million pieces, having my reputation tarnished and getting physically assaulted before I was broken open enough to once again hear the sound of my own voice.

The past two years have been spent in a great deal of alone time learning to recognize the sound of my own voice, to ask myself what would make me happy and learning to trust in my ability to make decisions.  Learning to once again trust in my gut and respond to the tightness in my throat.  Learning to recognize what I sound like.

In an effort to correct some bad choices, more wounds have been opened but in the end, it’s worth it.  Doing the right thing rather than the easy thing is not painless, but it is much more rewarding.
Jack is coming to hang out after his time in Portland before he takes the next leg in his journey.  I’m proud of both of us for trying something new. Him sticking his thumb out and me sticking my neck out.  I believe I entertained an Angel today. 

Monday, April 27, 2015


Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly and without expectation. We don't love to be loved; we love to love. - Leo Buscaglia
True, but so hard to do. Expectations lead to disappointment. But is the lack of any expectation just an acceptance of the status quo?  Without expectations, how do we achieve goals, or build relationships, or succeed at anything?
I'm struggling today with the balance between expectation and acceptance. Is accepting something that is less than I want a good thing? Is lowering expectations to meet the lack of enthusiasm of another how I want to live?  Do I just settle for less than in order to remove all expectation of fulfillment?  And, why would I do that? But, what is going to happen if I don't do that?
Facing a future disappointment seems more frustrating and heartbreaking than having high expectations and getting disappointed until I can figure something else out. there a positive way to look at that?  It sounds to me like it lacks passion.  Fulfillment. Fun.  
No one has ever said life, or love, would be easy.