Friday, December 25, 2015

Full Moon Prayers

Meditate.  Live purely.  Be quiet.  Do your work with mastery.  Like the moon, come out from behind the clouds!  Shine.  ~Buddha

There’s a full moon tonight.  It is trying to peek out from the storm clouds in the sky.  As the clouds move, you see it in all its glory then the clouds move again and cover it.  But it’s still there.  I know it’s there, even when I can’t see it…because I did see it.  Just because the clouds cover it, doesn’t mean it’s not still there big and beautiful in the sky. 

I’m still here. Still a whole being.  I may be covered in clouds right now which are bringing some storms, but I’m still here. I’m still full, still shining, still doing what it is I’ve been called to do.  Be me.  I’m being me. 

Next month, the full moon will come again.  In the meantime, it will be doing what it needs to be doing in order to make the oceans flow and the Universe function.  From now until then, one moment at a time, one day at a time, one step at a time, I will be moving forward doing what it takes to make me function.  Just because all of me may not be visible right now, I’m still here.

I’m going to stop fighting the weather, stop trying to force conditions before they’re ready.  I’m about to bundle up, protect myself from the storms, and trust the Universe to run on course in perfect time.
I’m sad, smart, tired, hopeful, worried, ready for the next chapter, confident, flexible, stubborn, angry, sorry, resolved. 


Thursday, December 24, 2015

Rejection, Resilence

I wanted him to want me. He didn’t want me.  So why am I so hurt now by the reality that he doesn’t miss me?  How can you miss what you never wanted? 

Why is it so hard to sit with rejection even when we knew it was coming?  There’s a heaviness in my chest, an ache in my arms, a catch in my throat.  I’m not falling apart, but I’m not all together either.  I’m in between. Between here and there.  Between where I was and where I’m going.  We’re not together, but I don’t quite yet know how to be apart.  I’m alone, but not…yet. 

While as humans we shouldn’t base our self-esteem on others, it’s very difficult to not question ‘what’s wrong with me’ when facing the rejection of someone we love.  Especially someone we desperately wanted to love us back.  The rejection of love is difficult to take, leaves most of us a little lost, without direction. 

We plan a life with someone. We give up the life we had to create a new one.  We go from me to us…and back to me again.  Sometimes so quickly and with so much loss it’s difficult to find our bearings again.  There isn’t a single resemblance to the life you had before and thoughts of creating a new life with such threadbare means is overwhelming.

And yet…we do.  We find our footing on a precarious path to tomorrow.  We assess what’s left.  We remind ourselves of what is good about us. We surround ourselves with family and friends who actually love us. Who make us smile, who remind of us what’s important in life.  Eventually, the hurt heals.  We create a new life including the learning we gained from this experience, we grow and expand in our capacity to love ourselves.  We are resilient creatures with an endless supply of grace.  We get through, we move on, we laugh again. It's a journey...from us to me. From here to there.  From now until then.  

Friday, December 18, 2015

What Race Are You Running?

If you woke up one morning, stripped of all you own, and were told that in order to stay alive you have race up a hill with all the other people, the winner lives, everyone else perishes: Would you run the race?

I'd let someone else run the race...not because it's impossible, but because I just don't feel like competing anymore. Not in that race, with every other human being. Because competition, a race, winners and losers no longer appeal to me. And to win what? If I'm the only one alive at the end of the race, what's the point? I'm still alone...for no good reason.
I'd look around, find the kindred soul and find something meaningful to do for the remainder of our time. Even if that time is very short. I'd rather be with one person, having great conversation, passionate sex, delicious food and meaningful connection for a very short time rather than be running a useless race with a bunch of people who don't matter. 

Perhaps that is how our life started with a million sperm racing to reach the mark first. It's not how I want mine to end. Let others scramble, race, compete, fight, do too much, move too fast and achieve almost nothing in the process. I want relationships that matter. With very few people. My children so that they can have significant relationships with their children. If I could find one person, just one, that I could be fully naked with, fully vulnerable, fully loved, fully honest and move very slowly and peacefully, my life would have meaning and fulfillment.

I want something more...something better...something deeper...something real. I can try, push, pull, demand, manipulate, pout, reject, fight and a myriad of other contortions in order to force something that isn't there. When what I need to do is vulnerable...It's in the being where what I want will be gotten, not in the doing. 

I am trying. It's so much easier to cook, clean, do laundry, earn money, make motions, laugh, don't speak, demand...hide....I haven't yet learned how to just be and let life happen. I am too controlling. Too insecure. Too afraid of rejection. Not yet completely comfortable being brave. I talk often and say nothing. I need to speak less and say more. 

What I want is easily definable, difficult to attain.

My advice to myself: Just sit if that's what you need to do. Be still and think before you speak. Listen to yourself. Be compassionate and not purposefully hurtful. Don't blame. Be loving. And brave.