What Race Are You Running?

If you woke up one morning, stripped of all you own, and were told that in order to stay alive you have race up a hill with all the other people, the winner lives, everyone else perishes: Would you run the race?

I'd let someone else run the race...not because it's impossible, but because I just don't feel like competing anymore. Not in that race, with every other human being. Because competition, a race, winners and losers no longer appeal to me. And to win what? If I'm the only one alive at the end of the race, what's the point? I'm still alone...for no good reason.

I'd look around, find the kindred soul and find something meaningful to do for the remainder of our time. Even if that time is very short. I'd rather be with one person, having great conversation, passionate sex, delicious food and meaningful connection for a very short time rather than be running a useless race with a bunch of people who don't matter. 

Perhaps that is how our life started with a million sperm racing to reach the mark first. It's not how I want mine to end. Let others scramble, race, compete, fight, do too much, move too fast and achieve almost nothing in the process. I want relationships that matter. With very few people. My children so that they can have significant relationships with their children. If I could find one person, just one, that I could be fully naked with, fully vulnerable, fully loved, fully honest and move very slowly and peacefully, my life would have meaning and fulfillment.

I want something more...something better...something deeper...something real. I can try, push, pull, demand, manipulate, pout, reject, fight and a myriad of other contortions in order to force something that isn't there. When what I need to do is be...be still...be myself...be quiet...be honest...be authentic...be vulnerable...It's in the being where what I want will be gotten, not in the doing. 

I am trying. It's so much easier to cook, clean, do laundry, earn money, make motions, laugh, don't speak, demand...hide....I haven't yet learned how to just be and let life happen. I am too controlling. Too insecure. Too afraid of rejection. Not yet completely comfortable being brave. I talk often and say nothing. I need to speak less and say more. 

What I want is easily definable, difficult to attain.

My advice to myself: Just sit if that's what you need to do. Be still and think before you speak. Listen to yourself. Be compassionate and not purposefully hurtful. Don't blame. Be loving. And brave.