Thursday, May 19, 2016

The Road I'm On

Someone said to me the other day, when I asked him what he was looking for:

I don't even know anymore. I guess I'm just gonna follow the road and see where it leads.

Depending on the intention, the road you're on makes all the difference in the world.

If you have a specific destination in mind, with a time frame, the road you take to get there can be the one thing that causes success or failure. You drive to your end point without much observation of what's around you. The focus is the destination and what's going to be experienced when you get there.  You have a predetermined plan and getting there isn't part of the adventure.

If the intention is to enjoy the journey, the road is not such a pivotal player in success or failure.  Whatever road you're on, you find things to enjoy: the view, the curves, the smells, the tastes, the lessons along the way.  You slow down, you look more intentionally at what you're going through; you let yourself escape into the experience of what's happening, you find joy in the surprises, you enjoy the touch of new found places, you look at familiar but different views, you recognize some parts of yourself you'd forgotten existed.  The journey is the adventure.

I love road trips when I may not necessarily know where I'm going to end up.  There have been times when I've found exactly what's perfect for me at the end of those road trips.  There are other times where I'm so focused on the destination and getting where I'm going, that I forget to enjoy the process of getting there.

I'm choosing to stay on the road I'm on.  I'm choosing to have a destination in mind and still stay on this road with all of its curves and lessons and views. I'm choosing to know where I want to go and still let the road unfold before me. I have no idea where this road will lead or if I'll find what's right for me at the end of it.  But the journey is amazing, the views spectacular, the smells enticing and the unknown keeps drawing me further down the road.

Wherever the road ends, I'm enjoying the journey.  Learning to balance having a destination in mind while not forgetting that the route of getting there is as powerful as arriving.

Monday, May 16, 2016

Without My Sister

Learning to do things without my sister is difficult.  She was my person...I was her person.  When I couldn't figure things out, when I was scared, alone, wanting to go to my unhealthy habit places for comfort, she was the one I called. She was the one who understood, very deeply, my need for escape. She understood why I chose the things I chose as escapes.  I understood why she also needed to escape.

My daughter told me this morning learn how to channel my sister so I could keep my head in the game and not run away from the hard stuff.  I'm trying. My sister said a lot to me.  She also held me accountable.  I knew that if we agreed on a boundary, she'd hold me to it.  I can hear her voice in my head, I can imagine what she'd say to me on days like today where I can't stop crying.  But the accountability piece is missing.  Since she's been gone I've been looking for her replacement.  Someone who knew all my secrets, who I could tell new secrets to and they would keep them.  She was my secret keeper - old ones and new ones.  She went to her grave holding my secrets...I live my life holding hers.

My very first boyfriend called me a few weeks ago.  It felt like life felt like someone who knew stuff about me that no one else knew was here again.  I was so thankful, so grateful, so excited to have someone I'd been so intimate with at such a young age to be here and present.  I was trying to revive my relationship with my sister.  I was re-imagining what it was like to have someone that close, that intimate, someone with such longevity present in my life again.

But that doesn't exist.  There is no one like that in my life.  Eventually, I will accept the fact that there never will be again. I cannot re-imagine or re-create the relationship I had with my sister.  There is no one who will ever hold my secrets again...except me.  I'm my own secret keeper.  That kind of love can't be replicated.  There will never again be anyone who knows so much about me and loves me wholly for who I am.  That thought is so scary, so excruciatingly painful that I am paralyzed with the grief of it today.

It's been nearly a year and a half since my sister died.  The entire year following her death was a year of repeated bad decisions.  A bad relationship decision.  A bad move decision.  A bad car purchase decision...A year of loss and grief.  Exactly a year after she died I left all the bad decisions behind and am making new decisions...although I still drive that bad car decision.

I have never felt so alone. I've never felt grief to this depth.  I've never experienced the loss of someone I love this much.  I don't know how long it takes to adjust.  I don't know how to live with out a secret keeper.

I miss my sister today.