Ode To Lauren Hough

 

Dear Lauren,

I’ve read your book and am confident I’m your soulmate.  Your words made me cry, laugh, relate, worry, want more, and fall in love.  There’s no doubt those words were written to me…for me…as an effort to find me.  Luckily for you, it worked!  As a bonus, you became a New York times best seller.  Seems like a grandiose plan to find me, but you’re not afraid of risks or big actions.  I LOVE that about you.  I know you so well.  Did I mention I read your book?  Every word.  Yeah, yeah…I know it’s about a portion of your life, but I’m intelligent and intuitive so I’ve filled in all the gaps.  Your life has been a shit show…same for me.  We’re both better now…which of course isn’t true but it’s what the world thinks so let’s just let them think that. 

Since you haven’t met me yet, allow me to introduce myself.  I’m Stephanie.  Currently I live in Seattle but will be packing soon to head your direction.  I’ve never been to Austin and am so excited to get there!  In fact, I’ve never been to Texas.  You’ve been working on your van for quite some time in order to road trip in it, I’ll come and help you finish that.  I’m super organized, can write a great plan and budget, and will for sure cure your procrastination on that project.

Oh, yes.  I’m forgetting to introduce myself.  I’m a little older than you, but not enough for it to be an issue.  I’m short, a natural red head…well…it used to be natural but age is not kind so now there’s some help in keeping it red. I’m a bit chubby..but you know what they say…more cushion less pushin…so really this is all for your comfort!  I’m an aspiring writer – just one more thing we have in common. When I get there we can spend hours on the porch reading and writing together.  Do you have a porch? My new friend Liwen told me I’m funny so there’s that.  I’ll keep you organized, cure procrastination AND make you laugh.

OOH!!! My email just dinged with a new message from you…hold on while I go read today’s love letter….

 

“You’re at a wedding and someone says they love you. You’ve never seen them before. But they know all about you. They ask about your family, in front of your family. They know all the wrong parts. All the wrong names. You’re a liability now. You brought everyone in and tried to draw a line they were already camping inside. What the fuck were you thinking. You know what it feels like when they need to tell twitter about you. When you’re something like a trophy, disheveled and wearing the wrong t-shirts and in need of a shower, but a trophy nonetheless, or something like it.”

 

Wait….Are there people out there who think they know you and love you just because they read your book?  How utterly ridiculous can people be?   

Talking About Vulnerability

 

I’ve been having conversations about vulnerability lately and hearing the term used in the media.  It seems to be the current catch word. But are we using the word so much that it’s lost its…vulnerability?  According to Webster vulnerability is “the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally”.  Brene Brown, the leader in research on shame and vulnerability, defines it as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. But vulnerability is not weakness; it's our most accurate measure of courage”. 

While I’ve been having these conversations about vulnerability, nothing about them feels vulnerable.  I crave a certain level of exposure, but it doesn’t work long or well if the other person isn’t also willing to take risks.   Talking ‘about’ something, isn’t the same as ‘being’ something.  How can we move from talking about being vulnerable into being vulnerable? What are the steps necessary to get there?

First and foremost, we must know ourselves and be comfortable with what we find.   How can we possibly risk exposure if we haven’t done the work ourselves?  When I was a social worker, my clients used to ask me why I was so okay sitting with their shit.  My answer? I learned to sit with my own shit. 

What I’m craving, is someone who can sit with my shit.  Someone who can hear my stories and remain.  Remain open. Remain interested.  Remain engaged.  Someone who is also willing to take the risk and expose themselves to me.  Letting me see their emotions…all of them. The positive and the negative.  Talk to me. Tell me what you think. About everything.

A one sided relationship is never fun.  While I can be vulnerable and am willing to be, if the other person doesn’t follow and share on a deep level, it’s not long before I’m retreating. Putting distance – physically and emotionally – between us. 

For now, I’m going to keep testing the waters.  Being vulnerable.  Being real.  And, hopefully, run into someone who wants to reciprocate.  What I’ve learned is, test the waters. Share.  But when the other person isn’t wading into the deep waters with me, retreat before I drown. 

Kindness Is My Religion

 

In every religion I’m familiar with, in secular humanism and just good old fashioned home training, treating other humans with kindness is a value embraced by all. 

Treat not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful.  – Buddhism

Consider what humanists aspire to be as ethical agents. ... They wish always to respect their fellow human beings, to like them, to honor their strivings and to sympathize with their feeling. – Secular Humanism

So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” Matthew 7:12 - Christianity

We can be more tolerant, more neighborly, more friendly, more of an example than we have been in the past. Let us teach our children to treat others with friendship, respect, love, and admiration. That will yield a far better result than will an attitude of egotism and arrogance (President Gordon B. Hinckley, “A Time of New Beginnings,” (Apr. 2000 General Conference). – Church of Latter Day Saints

“Ben Zoma asks, ‘Who is worthy of honor?
The one who treats others with honor.’”
Pirkei Avot (4:1) - Judaism

The Qur’an says, “Do not let the hatred of others to you make you swerve to wrong and depart from justice. Be just: that is next to piety.” (Quran Surah Al-Maa’idah, 5:8) That is, do not let your enmity for your enemies exceed the limits and turn you away from justice in either words or actions. – Islam

Each of these religions also admonish us not to repay evil with evil.  1 Peter 3:9, Sunan al-Tirmidhī , Prophet Moroni admonished the Latter Day Saints to not respond with evil but with kindness. While I know all this to be true, every once in a while, I forget.

The other day I spoke with less than kindness to a customer service person at Costco and it made my grandson laugh out loud. It wasn’t funny, he was just shocked to hear it. It reminded me that I’m an example and he’s watching.

Yesterday I had to go to another office to pick up a check which had been delivered there.  As I walked in, I said “Hi, I have a check to pick up.” One woman looked up but ignored me as if I hadn’t spoken. The woman with the check, one desk over, raised the check above her head with one hand while never looking away from what she was doing. She raised the check like a flag, waving it towards me without ever looking at me or uttering a word. 

Taking the check being waved at me, I said “Thank you” and exited the building.  The level of disrespect and unkindness was shocking.

Granted, these were the same women who said very derogatory and nasty things about me just a few weeks ago…and I certainly don’t expect gushing kindness or welcoming arms, but professional kindness…is that too much to ask?

As I drove away, I was seething.  That level of disrespect is something that angers me instantly.

And then I remembered my encounter with the customer service person at Costco. 

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

Okay, okay, I’m listening.  I get it.

So, thank you ladies for reminding me that I fall short in living up to my own values.  Lessons come in many forms.