Talking About Vulnerability

 

I’ve been having conversations about vulnerability lately and hearing the term used in the media.  It seems to be the current catch word. But are we using the word so much that it’s lost its…vulnerability?  According to Webster vulnerability is “the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally”.  Brene Brown, the leader in research on shame and vulnerability, defines it as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. But vulnerability is not weakness; it's our most accurate measure of courage”. 

While I’ve been having these conversations about vulnerability, nothing about them feels vulnerable.  I crave a certain level of exposure, but it doesn’t work long or well if the other person isn’t also willing to take risks.   Talking ‘about’ something, isn’t the same as ‘being’ something.  How can we move from talking about being vulnerable into being vulnerable? What are the steps necessary to get there?

First and foremost, we must know ourselves and be comfortable with what we find.   How can we possibly risk exposure if we haven’t done the work ourselves?  When I was a social worker, my clients used to ask me why I was so okay sitting with their shit.  My answer? I learned to sit with my own shit. 

What I’m craving, is someone who can sit with my shit.  Someone who can hear my stories and remain.  Remain open. Remain interested.  Remain engaged.  Someone who is also willing to take the risk and expose themselves to me.  Letting me see their emotions…all of them. The positive and the negative.  Talk to me. Tell me what you think. About everything.

A one sided relationship is never fun.  While I can be vulnerable and am willing to be, if the other person doesn’t follow and share on a deep level, it’s not long before I’m retreating. Putting distance – physically and emotionally – between us. 

For now, I’m going to keep testing the waters.  Being vulnerable.  Being real.  And, hopefully, run into someone who wants to reciprocate.  What I’ve learned is, test the waters. Share.  But when the other person isn’t wading into the deep waters with me, retreat before I drown.