Behind These Walls

My walls are made of punches that left dents in my face, slaps that busted ear drums, empty bank accounts, rejection, denial, exhaustion, hard work, sacrifice, investing in the wrong people, more men's voices when asked 'who's that' answering: no one, my own self limiting beliefs, losing my sister to her love of alcohol...a myriad of bricks packed with the mortar of blood and tears.

Still, I reach over the walls now and again. You need a ride, I'll be there. You need lunch...what is it you want me to bring? You need to borrow something I have, here you go.  It's not that anyone has taken the time to look over the walls I've built, I've just been courageous enough to reach outside of them and be vulnerable, honest and open.

I've spent the last nine months building walls,  tearing them down, reaching over them, adding a few bricks, filling in the mortar with more tears and fears, struggling to not believe the answer: no one.

If there was someone strong enough, tall enough, courageous enough to look over the walls I've built, they'd see compassion, commitment, love, humor, hard work, vulnerability, honesty, willingness, generosity, intellect and dichotomy.

This week has been spent - with trepidation - coming out from behind these walls.  There's rubble, busted bricks, messy mortar, material no longer necessary that needs to be hauled off but the walls are no longer hiding who I am.  The answer to 'who is that' is NOT no one.

I may be your friend, your lover, your co-worker, your sister, your mom, your ex...but the answer is not no one.  In order to be seen, I have to be able to be seen.  It was too easy for others to keep me hidden behind those walls. It was too easy to allow myself to be unseen from behind those walls.

I am either someone in your life, or you are no where in my life.  I haven't made it easy for people to see me or know me.  The walls create a facade that hides the tenderness in my soul. The walls were grand at protecting me from hurt, but they were also grand at keeping me from living and loving fully.

From behind those walls, I've felt 'perfection'. For that I'm eternally grateful.  From behind those walls, I've felt joy.  From behind those walls, I've felt fear.  From behind those walls I've maintained hope. From behind those walls, I've worked hard to grow beyond the need for the walls.

As scary as it may be, here I am...exposed with no walls.  I'm someone to be reckoned with.