Am I Safe Enough To Say No?

Many times in relationship my insecurities have dictated my behavior rather than my security.  One key question when asked a favor I now ask myself:

Do I feel safe enough to say no?

Am I saying yes to this because I fear your rejection? Am I saying yes just so I feel necessary?  It's not important to me what the intention of the person asking the favor is.  It took me decades to figure out that your intention is not my business. I don't need to analyze, second guess, ask why you're asking, or wonder what your next move will be.

The question is: 

Why am I saying yes? 

I was asked a favor today...an incredibly difficult favor that created a sense of vulnerability and exposure in me.  The second the question was asked, my heart raced, my throat caught, my arms got tense, my eyes teared up.  Why, oh why, with this person standing right next to me...within inches of me...did I pray a full moon prayer to practice vulnerability this month?  

Why, last week, when sitting next to him did he say a jackass thing that made my heart race, my throat catch, my eyes tear up?  Why is the Universe pushing so hard to answer my prayer this month?

Because I trust myself.  I trusted my Self enough to ask him why he said what he said and be prepared for whatever the answer was.  I learned a long time ago to not ask a question if I wasn't completely prepared to hear the answer.  It took me a while, I had to contemplate whether to ask and create understanding, or sit in silence and create distance.  I had to decide whether I was strong enough to make whatever decision would honor my Self the most after hearing the answer.  I asked the question, listened to the answer and sat in silence again for a while.  Learning to trust my self and taking chances with vulnerability, connection and truth is risky business.   

I trusted my Self enough to say yes to the favor - unconditionally - without a single question.  I feel safe enough to say no, which allows me to say yes.  Yes, because I care about you.  Yes, because you matter to me.  Yes, because I'm willing to take a risk.  Safe enough to say no, allows the openness and vulnerability required to be me, to grow beyond my own limitations. 

So, while my heart races, my throat catches, my eyes tear up...I practice vulnerability and say yes because I feel safe enough to say no.