Year In Review

2008 was spent in Oregon,

2009 was spent in prison

I made an attempt to keep up with the Joneses

But y’all know how hard that is

I learned a great deal about discipline

And discovered new ways of listenin’

I fell in love

And was blessed from above

I let go of some old ways

And had a year filled with better days

I have a job that pays the bills

Offering some rather unique thrills

I experienced some ups and some downs

Not sure if I was surrounding myself with clowns

Some days were rather dark

Feelin’ nothing like a walk in the park

Other days were filled with light

And neither of us gave up the fight

There were times when all felt very wrong

But through it all, I stood proud and strong

There were some days that were perfectly right

Not dulled by the darkness of night

We spent the year unearthing me

In order to set us both free

As we end this year

I can see the future from here

Moving into 2010

2009 is at the end

I know I’ll be facing a move

Trying to keep up the new groove

I’m tired and I want to cry

‘cause I know things is bouts to fly

With new found determination

I continue to build a nation

I am a woman and from my womb

My seeds continue to generate room

Room to grow and learn

Knowing here we will never return

I ain’t gonna look over my shoulder

Please, hear me when I say just hold her

I don’t want you to go

But this ain’t no side show

There’s only room for one

Sharing ain’t no fun

What’s been created is a masterpiece

No one can penetrate these boundaries

As I look on a year in review

I’m glad I spent it with you

As I look into 2010

What I want is to do it

Again and again and again

I ache....

...because I want the phone to ring, but know that it's not going to. I made this decision, which is, I suppose, what I wanted at the moment. But I wanna take it back. You know that, right? You know that I didn't really mean it? But I did mean it. Because I want to think my own thoughts, be who I am, but I don't know who that is without you. You became my guide, my foundation, my leader...and now I'm directionless, sad to the center of my soul. So deeply that the tears won't come. In fact, thoughts won't come. My brain is stuck, my heart is open and bleeding, my arms ache from stress. I want to pull it all together. Look strong. Be strong. I'm not tricking me. And I know I'm not tricking you. Can you, really, turn it off that fast? Can you, really, choose to not have feelings that quickly? I can't run. There's no where to go. I thought you'd call, hoped you'd call, but knew you wouldn't. In fact, I know you won't ever again. And so, I have to ask myself - now what?

I Don't Feel Good

Do you ever have the feeling in the pit of your stomach? That ache in your arms that says "things just aren't right"? Like I want to throw up, but there's nothing there. Something's off...I just don't know what to turn on. I'm beating myself up for choices made decades ago...why can't the demons just stop running around in my head? Why can't I forgive myself and move on?

HE

He entered my life without pretense or fabrication. But it was easy, requiring no lubrication.

He began slowly, probing softly – looking for truth and authenticity. When he knew it was there but wasn’t quite ready to be released, he went deeper, harder, faster demanding the response. Increasing the rhythm until, breathlessly, I surrendered.

His intellect gets my creative juices flowing. He spurs thoughts that get words tumbling out like water falls and he drinks my juices as if they are life sustaining.

He is beside me, in front of me, behind me, on top of me, under me - sometimes going so deep I can feel him in the back of my throat and the pit of my stomach. Other times, he leads from a distance expecting me to keep up, pay attention, come get what my body, mind and soul crave.

When I get there, it’s sweeter, stronger, more powerful than the last time. My soul laid bare in front of him, everything opened wide ready for him to enter where he pleases. His eyes penetrate me finding sweet spots in my soul that leave me fully exposed, satisfied and begging for more.

He finds those holes that are most vulnerable. First, telling me he’s going there. Pushing past my resistance until I succumb to his demands and then he pierces them. Slowly at first, knowing this is difficult for me. Then more demanding, with force, meeting my eyes while he creates desire for more and then fulfills it. Getting to all those places I’ve hidden behind walls of toughness, casualness and that have kept me disconnected from my Self.

My Amazing Family

We are going through a new experience. My youngest daughter is living through a major loss. The first death of her young life. And, being the brilliant girl that she is, she's reaching out to those she needs. Those she knows love her. Her older brother came over, we ate together. She called her sisters...they talked to her. And then she asked for exactly what she needed. Jakobi, her 3-year-old nephew. She just wants him to come sleep with her. So right now they're out in the living room eating 'nilla wafers and milk. She has tears that just can't quite stop. It's somber here tonight...but at the same peaceful. I just heard Jakobi's voice "what you doing?" "Snapping my fingers." "Oh, good." And they continue reading the book, her voice quavering as she loves hard. As she seeks to hold on to life.

A man I love very much told me earlier "What this has me considering if I've loved you as hard as I can. If today was the last day we ever talked, would I have said enough? Would you know how much I love you? I'm disappointed in myself. I haven't been all I could be." Life is crazy. But the love of this family is astounding. Her dad is coming tomorrow. We will be parents loving our child together.

As a mom, it's painful to know that there is simply nothing more I can do than to be here. I've called off work for the weekend. We'll be a family, holding on to life together. Supporting my youngest child through something none of the rest of us have been through.

Love Is A Challenge

It challenges me to be better than I ever thought I could be. It challenges me to look at myself with honesty and clarity. It seeks out those spots that lead to disruptive and self-destructive habits in order to remove them. It has power to connect me to my humanity so that I can connect to your humanity.

I'm in love like this. It's not like I thought it would be. But, damn, it is powerful and amazing. Reaching far beyond the normal limits of time and space. Reaching more than just my skin. It reaches my intellect, my spirit, the very soul of my being.

This love is more real, more tangible, more challenging and more comforting than anything I've ever experienced. The passion ignites fire that cannot easily be quelled. My brain responds in ways never before opened. I'm finding god in small things, signs making the lessons real and permanent. My intellect and my spirit no longer at war with one another.

Life Is A Game

And we're all playing it. The trick is finding out what the game is. We seek out people who want to play the game "our way" by our rules. When we meet people who are playing a different game, we hang out for a while to see if can adjust our game plan and become part of their team. We begin to decipher their moves. Are we playing offense or defense? Are we on the same team or the opposite team? Are we rivals or we're on separate teams but headed towards the same prize - which at some point means we have to compete with one another.

We assess one another to see what uniform to wear - casual, dressy, pressed, professional, sweats, labels - all these symbols mean something and we strive to convey meaning of what team we're on, who we're playing for, what our game plan is, how we fit with your team (or not) and how we're going to get in your locker room in an effort to gain your secrets.

I'ma watch you, watch your body language, study your moves, pay attention to what your focus is, what your priorities are, how I can get from you what I need to be successful at my game plan. Cold you say? No, just honest. Because we all do it. My language changes, my posture changes, my clothing changes depending on who I'm going to meet today. Whether they're on my team, the opposing team or just trying to get a little game of their own going.

I'm tired of the politically correct, shrouded in defense, unable to speak truth, lying, game playing mofos. Let's strip to our skins - no shirts vs. skins game. Just skin on skin telling it like it is. Just my nakedness and raw truth telling you how I see things and listening to you tell me how you see things.

I know, it's difficult. But because I share this with at least one person in my life, I know it's possible for more. I know it's possible for me to be that raw, that open to critique and that able to tell the truth. I don't want to play games anymore. I didn't get a rule book and I don't want to play.