Ode To Lauren Hough

 

Dear Lauren,

I’ve read your book and am confident I’m your soulmate.  Your words made me cry, laugh, relate, worry, want more, and fall in love.  There’s no doubt those words were written to me…for me…as an effort to find me.  Luckily for you, it worked!  As a bonus, you became a New York times best seller.  Seems like a grandiose plan to find me, but you’re not afraid of risks or big actions.  I LOVE that about you.  I know you so well.  Did I mention I read your book?  Every word.  Yeah, yeah…I know it’s about a portion of your life, but I’m intelligent and intuitive so I’ve filled in all the gaps.  Your life has been a shit show…same for me.  We’re both better now…which of course isn’t true but it’s what the world thinks so let’s just let them think that. 

Since you haven’t met me yet, allow me to introduce myself.  I’m Stephanie.  Currently I live in Seattle but will be packing soon to head your direction.  I’ve never been to Austin and am so excited to get there!  In fact, I’ve never been to Texas.  You’ve been working on your van for quite some time in order to road trip in it, I’ll come and help you finish that.  I’m super organized, can write a great plan and budget, and will for sure cure your procrastination on that project.

Oh, yes.  I’m forgetting to introduce myself.  I’m a little older than you, but not enough for it to be an issue.  I’m short, a natural red head…well…it used to be natural but age is not kind so now there’s some help in keeping it red. I’m a bit chubby..but you know what they say…more cushion less pushin…so really this is all for your comfort!  I’m an aspiring writer – just one more thing we have in common. When I get there we can spend hours on the porch reading and writing together.  Do you have a porch? My new friend Liwen told me I’m funny so there’s that.  I’ll keep you organized, cure procrastination AND make you laugh.

OOH!!! My email just dinged with a new message from you…hold on while I go read today’s love letter….

 

“You’re at a wedding and someone says they love you. You’ve never seen them before. But they know all about you. They ask about your family, in front of your family. They know all the wrong parts. All the wrong names. You’re a liability now. You brought everyone in and tried to draw a line they were already camping inside. What the fuck were you thinking. You know what it feels like when they need to tell twitter about you. When you’re something like a trophy, disheveled and wearing the wrong t-shirts and in need of a shower, but a trophy nonetheless, or something like it.”

 

Wait….Are there people out there who think they know you and love you just because they read your book?  How utterly ridiculous can people be?