I ache....

...because I want the phone to ring, but know that it's not going to. I made this decision, which is, I suppose, what I wanted at the moment. But I wanna take it back. You know that, right? You know that I didn't really mean it? But I did mean it. Because I want to think my own thoughts, be who I am, but I don't know who that is without you. You became my guide, my foundation, my leader...and now I'm directionless, sad to the center of my soul. So deeply that the tears won't come. In fact, thoughts won't come. My brain is stuck, my heart is open and bleeding, my arms ache from stress. I want to pull it all together. Look strong. Be strong. I'm not tricking me. And I know I'm not tricking you. Can you, really, turn it off that fast? Can you, really, choose to not have feelings that quickly? I can't run. There's no where to go. I thought you'd call, hoped you'd call, but knew you wouldn't. In fact, I know you won't ever again. And so, I have to ask myself - now what?