Success

To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children ... to leave the world a better place ... to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded. —Ralph Waldo Emerson"

As I struggle with being in the process of becoming, one of the greatest internal questions is what is success? Have I been successful? At this point, according to Emerson's definition, I'd say yes. But I'm not doing what I want. I do get to walk on the beach, in the rain, I'm laying in bed right now with an awesome dog, my kids love me (most of the time) and I think if you asked Pam Baze she'd say she breathed a little easier because she knows I truly care about her. I want to teach and write so much that for me I'm not yet successful because I'm not doing that. I want to make change in my world and not just maintain the status quo. I need to question authority at every opportunity. I'm still like a toddler asking why until I hit the void and there are no more reasons. My favorite question: What are you thinking? If a healthy partnership indicates success, I'm a complete failure there. I want a rock, an anchor, that will always be there for me. After I'm done trying something, changing my mind, making too quick decsions, satiating curiosity, sharing a drink with homeless people in the park, spending WAY too much time and money in the book store, I want them to still be there. To offer me the consistency that I can't provide myself. It's a lot to ask from a person and unlikely that anyone would willingly sign up for that.
I like living on the beach, but are there beaches where brown people live? The whiteness of my world right now feels bad - wrong - incomplete. It's like art that lacks color. So what does success look like? And how will I know when I've acheived it? It looks something like this:
- a partner at home who doesn't freak out every time I chase a new curiosity.
- a house on the beach in a community of diverse ethnicities, cultures and traditions.
- me teaching at a community college.
- me sitting in a chair on the beach writing.

Maybe I need to move to Mexico.