There Is A Before And After

I normally ride the bus to work, today I drove so that I could drop the dog off at Becki’s house.  I turned on music that I like, up loud and sang along. I’ve forgotten how joyful it is start my day with music.   9 ½ months ago I was brutally assaulted and then spent several months after that being mind fucked into believing that somehow I was to blame.  There is scar on my lip, a dent in my face…the outward scars that reveal nothing of the inward hurts. 

There is a before and after.

Before, I used to walk around with an Ipod and head phones in my ears. After, I am too nervous that I won’t hear danger coming. Today I walked from 15th and Yesler to 4th and Jackson…I wanted so much to continue listening to music I like…but I’m living in the after.

There is a before and after.

 Before, I did powerful work with folks who had experienced some of their own trauma. Work that challenged me, changed my life and changed the lives of those around me. After, I work in a fucking cube surrounded by shallow people who are completely defined by the amount of their paycheck. People who look sideways at my tattoos and gossip when they think I can’t hear them.

There is a before and after.

Before I used to talk to people and listen to what they were saying. After, I talk to people and listen for what they’re not saying. I look for the game…the mind fuck. I listen with suspicion instead of anticipation.

There is a before and after.

Before I was easily tricked, couldn’t always say what was on my mind, didn’t demand respect. After, I say exactly what I think, demand respect and have the ability to walk away when it’s not there. 

Before, I spent a great deal of time with other people. After, I spend a great deal of time with me. 

Before, I knew a lot of people. After, I know a few.  A few really good friends who put up with my tears, questions, anger, confusion and struggles. A few who know me and love me. Believe in me and don't believe the stories they hear from others.

Before, I was unhealthy in so many aspects. After, I’m healthier than I’ve ever been – mentally, physically and emotionally.  When your soul is laid bare and the wounds gaping, there’s no choice but to examine them.

After, I started going to the gym.  I thought it would be a good way to relieve stress, work out some tension and do something positive.  For the first month, I couldn’t make it through a workout without crying.  The trainer stuck with me, pushed me harder than I’ve ever been pushed physically and understood that the tears were not physical pain but the release of long held memories in muscles.  He didn’t baby me through the tears but instead showed me how deep the wounds were and how hard I was going to have to work to excavate them. Now, I work equally as hard, with no tears, a ton of joy and my body looks and feels much better.  I sleep through the night, think about what I’m putting in my body and am learning how to ‘have a proud chest’ all the time. 

Before, I processed alone. After, I have an amazing female friend who calls me on my shit, points to the right path and makes me laugh at myself through the tears. 

Before was 9 ½ months ago. After is forever.

Perceptions of an Abused Woman

More than 1.5 million women annually seek medical attention for domestic violence related injuries while the estimate is that between 2 and 4 million women are assaulted by their intimate partner annually. Domestic Violence is the leading cause of injury among females aged 15 to 44 and is higher than cancer, auto accidents and muggings combined. 90% of incarcerated women have been victims of sexual and/or physical violence as children and adults. 40% of female murder victims were killed by their intimate partner.

A woman who is assaulted behind the closed doors of her home, is again victimized when she emerges from behind those doors. By a system of professionals who ignore her cries for help, by friends, neighbors and co-workers who blame her for staying, by a system of patriarchy and traditional gender roles that reinforce her misguided beliefs about her own self worth and place in the world. In one case, a judge refused to grant a temporary protection order because the woman admitted to having fought back after she was assaulted. The judge stated “she didn’t need protection from the court.” She didn’t look enough like a victim. In a New York University public opinion survey of 1,200 people, 75% believed that the violence was the woman’s fault and over half believed that if she wanted to leave, she would. According to the National Center on Public Opinion, 49.2% of people believe that DV is a private issue and does not affect the general public. The cost of treating victims of DV is approximately $44 million annually – that seems like it should raise some interest in the general public.

If a woman gets hit once and leaves, she is not the same as the woman who either stays with the same abuser or has a pattern of picking abusive partners. It’s like the person who tries drugs as a youth as compared to the person who is an addict. In fact, in our society, addiction is viewed as an illness – not that person’s fault, there are precipitating factors that lead to the disease, the person needs treatment. A woman who stays in or repeats abusive relationships, is viewed as lacking in character, it’s her fault. None of the precipitating factors that would lead a woman into this pattern are considered by the general public. In fact, people are more comfortable with a drunk or high person in public than they are with a woman covered in bruises. Think of the angst you feel in your belly when you see that. How awkward you feel because you want to look, want to know what happened, and you feel a certain level of disgust – at her. She should be ashamed of herself.

The pattern of abuse is complicated and multilayered. Those of us who have lived, and continue to live it, struggle to recognize our individual patterns and step out of that cycle. The reasons women live this pattern are as multiple as there are women. I can map my road – literally – from being extremely unwanted as a child and told repeatedly that I was a mistake and good for nothing all the way up to the most recent event of being told that I was not safe and my entire life would be destroyed. The map never veers far off the path that was programmed into my DNA as a vulnerable toddler, reinforced in childhood and placed solid as concrete in my teenage years. I can chart specific events, hits, comments and practices by my parents that set up my choices. I’m not blaming, don’t get me wrong. My parents did the best they could with the tools they had available. But, if I can’t recognize the early mind mapping, I can’t navigate myself a new destination either.

Just as the bruises on my face, the hand print around my neck, the stiff body movements make you uncomfortable when you see me on the bus, my transparent recovery makes you equally as uncomfortable. I’m supposed to keep the abuse in the bedroom, or the kitchen, or the living room couch. The shame is supposed to keep me hidden.

To change requires an exchange. An exchange of lies for truth. An exchange of hiding for transparency. No one wants to talk about abuse because it makes everyone uncomfortable. We need to explore that uncomfortableness. Why do you find me less intelligent because I have a pattern of picking abusive partners? Why does it make you uncomfortable for me to talk about this out loud? If I was a drunk and said “I’m in recover” you’d say “good for you! I’m proud of you. That takes courage.” But if I say “something went real wrong when I was a kid and I’ve lived my adult life trying to work that out with abusive partners and now I’m in recovery from that” you run and hide!

“Be the change you want to see in the world.” – Gandhi. I may not be able to change the world, but I can change my patterns, unprogram my messed up belief system, teach my daughters from my life, and if even one other woman is positively impacted by my uncomfortable transparency, your discomfort is worth it.

How Do You Know?

How do you know anything? In your gut...when you feel it, that's how you know it. You can ask as many people as you want to ask, get as many different opinions as there are people, but in the end, it's what YOU feel that determines what you know and do not know. In the academic world, they call it 'experiential learning'...you know things by doing them. In the spiritual realm, some folks would call it intuition. The truth is, I know what I know and you know what you know...it's just that most of the time we don't listen to ourselves. We trust those outside of our knowing and then we use the excuse "I didn't know." Really, the truth is...I didn't want to believe it. The truth doesn't waver. Knowledge changes, grows, enlightens us, expands our experiences, but the truth never wavers. The truth sets us free because we are no longer bound by doubt. I may not know much, but I know me. And, this is truth. I know that I am intelligent, funny, a servant, an incredible employee, a great mom, a decent friend. I know that no matter what happens in my life, I wake up with me and go to bed with me so I better learn to live with me throughout the day.

Quotes From A Scholar

I work alone on Saturdays. Me and the 56 men who live here. Creating a community built on shared stories, shared experiences, shared music, helping one another fight to stay connected to our humanity. There is a musician who lives here. He has traveled the world playing some of the best jazz music ever heard. He has taught music at three major universities in the United States and one more in Italy. This guy is no joke. He just left my office after telling me "My j-o-b is j-o-y. People paid me to just be me." Now he's living here...in "supportive" housing and he can't get the DSHS office to reinstate his measly $339 a month and some food stamps. His doctor sent the papers 2 days late and he got cut off, in January. So, he's living on absolutely nothing. He said to me (and I'm going to quote) "They pulled the rug out from under me and thought 'he's just another nigga...no one will notice.' But I notice. Because I'm still me." He's still him. He's still tall. He's still a great musician although age and several strokes has changed some things for him. He moves smoothly like air curving around an obstacle. He moves slowly and has a light in his eyes that comes from some music playing deep in his soul that accompanies him. His voice is deep with a timbre that touches the deepest parts of the ears that hear it. As I type this, I'm listening to one of his CD's. Music made by this incredible man. If you saw him, you'd think he was just some random homeless guy downtown with a beer in his hand. You would judge him based on what he appears to be today. You likely wouldn't take the time to get to know him. You might even be one of those people who saw an over 6 foot tall Black man wearing less than clean clothes obviously down on his luck and cross the street so you didn't even have to get close to him. You'd be doing him a favor because anyone who would do that doesn't deserve the pleasure and blessing of being impacted by this man. He asked me "Are you my advocate?" To which I responded "Yes, Sir." I have called DSHS daily to inquire about his "review of benefits". They tell me the same thing they tell him "We've got everything we need." Well, he doesn't. He doesn't even have close to what he needs nor a miniscule amount of what he deserves. So, this man tells me to try using this sentence next time I call: "I'm going to shove my foot so far up your ass you're going to have to open your mouth for me to untie my shoe".I'm going to use it. And probably on more people than just the DSHS office in Belltown!

Year In Review

2008 was spent in Oregon,

2009 was spent in prison

I made an attempt to keep up with the Joneses

But y’all know how hard that is

I learned a great deal about discipline

And discovered new ways of listenin’

I fell in love

And was blessed from above

I let go of some old ways

And had a year filled with better days

I have a job that pays the bills

Offering some rather unique thrills

I experienced some ups and some downs

Not sure if I was surrounding myself with clowns

Some days were rather dark

Feelin’ nothing like a walk in the park

Other days were filled with light

And neither of us gave up the fight

There were times when all felt very wrong

But through it all, I stood proud and strong

There were some days that were perfectly right

Not dulled by the darkness of night

We spent the year unearthing me

In order to set us both free

As we end this year

I can see the future from here

Moving into 2010

2009 is at the end

I know I’ll be facing a move

Trying to keep up the new groove

I’m tired and I want to cry

‘cause I know things is bouts to fly

With new found determination

I continue to build a nation

I am a woman and from my womb

My seeds continue to generate room

Room to grow and learn

Knowing here we will never return

I ain’t gonna look over my shoulder

Please, hear me when I say just hold her

I don’t want you to go

But this ain’t no side show

There’s only room for one

Sharing ain’t no fun

What’s been created is a masterpiece

No one can penetrate these boundaries

As I look on a year in review

I’m glad I spent it with you

As I look into 2010

What I want is to do it

Again and again and again

I ache....

...because I want the phone to ring, but know that it's not going to. I made this decision, which is, I suppose, what I wanted at the moment. But I wanna take it back. You know that, right? You know that I didn't really mean it? But I did mean it. Because I want to think my own thoughts, be who I am, but I don't know who that is without you. You became my guide, my foundation, my leader...and now I'm directionless, sad to the center of my soul. So deeply that the tears won't come. In fact, thoughts won't come. My brain is stuck, my heart is open and bleeding, my arms ache from stress. I want to pull it all together. Look strong. Be strong. I'm not tricking me. And I know I'm not tricking you. Can you, really, turn it off that fast? Can you, really, choose to not have feelings that quickly? I can't run. There's no where to go. I thought you'd call, hoped you'd call, but knew you wouldn't. In fact, I know you won't ever again. And so, I have to ask myself - now what?

I Don't Feel Good

Do you ever have the feeling in the pit of your stomach? That ache in your arms that says "things just aren't right"? Like I want to throw up, but there's nothing there. Something's off...I just don't know what to turn on. I'm beating myself up for choices made decades ago...why can't the demons just stop running around in my head? Why can't I forgive myself and move on?