2 Timothy 2: 1- 15

When I was in 7th grade, age 11 for me, a contest was held to go to this bible camp in Estes Park Colorado. Even then, academics and travel were both something I was highly interested in.  In order to be chosen for this camp, it was required to memorize 1 Timothy 2: 1 - 15 and be able to recite it at an interview.  This whole section of Timothy is about studying, listening, learning, teaching and being a good  servant. Aren’t those the best qualities of one who serves? Being willing to study, remain faithful, teach others and share knowledge without getting caught up in the ‘affairs of this life’? 

My life has been one of service. To my partners, to my children, to educating others, to caring for prisoners and homeless people, people addicted to drugs and suffering from mental health issues.  Being of service is where I thrive, it is what makes sense to me. Telling the truth about what’s working and what isn’t working makes sense to me.  Telling the truth in order to educate and create change makes sense to me. 

This makes sense to me in whatever capacity I’m working and serving.  I may be doing accounting or paralegal work or real estate contracts but I’m still in service in those capacities. There’s still an opportunity for teaching and learning.  There is always an opportunity to teach and to learn whether that’s from a couple whose been married for 45 years and refinancing their house, or the abused man who is getting a divorce and is afraid to say he’s been being abused, or the young entrepreneur who is chasing his passion but has no idea how to file taxes…all of these people have taught me something.  Hopefully, I’ve taught them something as well.  

This section of Timothy ends with the admonishment to ‘study to show thyself a workman who needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.’  Study…so I do a good job and I don’t need to be ashamed of standing in the truth.  And then, divide that truth…Divide means to share or share in parts.  Dividing the word of truth means sharing what you’ve learned.  If you know something and I know something and we both share that knowledge, we each know more than we did before.  Which is a good thing. 

If we work for the same organization, are part of the same family, are working in a volunteer capacity, wherever it is we’re serving with others, there should be no competition.  What should be happening is completely sharing information and supporting one another in our common goal.  1 Thessalonians 5:11 - Therefore encourage one another and lift one another up.  Romans 15:2 Each of us should please our neighbors for their good, to build them up. 

I’m not a Christian, don’t claim to be walking in faith.  What I do know, is the Bible has many lessons of how to live a life that is peaceful and full of love.  It’s filled with admonishments to serve the poor, serve your neighbors and to stand in love and truth even when you’re standing alone.  There is a great lesson in Titus 3:10 about people who like to stir shit up and create divisiveness.  As for a person who stirs up division, after warning him once and then twice, have nothing more to do with him. It’s pretty clear.  Avoid quarreling, speak with kindness and show courtesy to all people.  When someone acts a fool, call them out.  Twice even. Give them a couple chances to correct. When they don’t, walk away.  Have nothing to do with them.  Don’t talk shit.  Don’t be vindictive.  Simply: don’t have anything to do with them.  

Maybe I’m simplifying too much: be kind, continue to study and learn, live a life of service, share knowledge, love everyone, and walk away from people who like to create conflict.  Seems like pretty simple lessons to lead a peaceful life. 

Opportunity

My birthday has become about loss. I cannot separate my birthday from my sister's death...they are intricately connected.  For me, my birthday has become a time of reflection and not celebration.  A time to consider what's important, what is worthy of a response and what isn't.  Who are my priorities and who are not.  Where/when/how I invest my time and emotions.

I am now older than my sister, which is extremely difficult for me.  For two reasons: simply because I'm old and because it seems very odd that I've aged beyond my sister. 

For years, the time between Thanksgiving and christmas has been a time of reflection, of solitude, of NON celebration.  In a way, Thanksgiving is the last meal before a month of fasting. One year, I spent my birthday stocking up and made a commitment to spend nothing for the entire month of December.  The one exception was fuel for my car so that I could get to work.  It was a really good month and very much brought into focus how conspicuous consumerism is pushed so hard, especially at this time of year.  

This year has been strange, difficult, full of learning, forced many of us to slow down, stay home, be reminded of what we really need. We've all been given the opportunity to see who we really want to see and speak to when social options are so limited.  You never know who you're going to be when times are hard...unless you know who you are when times are not  hard.  Because that's who you are. That's who I am.  We are who we are.  Hard times don't make us who we are, they show us who we are. 

In addition to a world wide health crisis, I've had a personal health crisis which provided me the opportunity to ask myself hard questions.  How have I lived? How do I want to live in the future? How do I want to die?  Is there something in my past I've really avoided dealing with and need/want to? Are there people in my life I really don't want in my life? Is there anybody who isn't in my life that I miss and very much want to mend those relationships? 

While I've done some pretty cringe worthy things in my life, my life has been worth living.  I've loved my kids with my entire soul and that in and of itself has made life worth being here.  It's always been my contention that our children - without even trying - show us the best and worst of who we are.  The incredible anger that can bubble up at person who can't even walk or talk...the insane amount of patience to answer 'why' 9,000 times in one day...the sheer will to keep going when exhaustion is overwhelming...the courage to apologize when you've messed up and it impacts them negatively...the straight face you have to keep when you actually feel like laughing heartily over something they think is soooo important and you realize that this 12 year old has no idea how inconsequential this really is...the most joy and passion ever experienced...the ability to be hurt to your core by the things they say TO you and ABOUT you...the power they have to incite guilt over the most mundane decision...the absolute love and joy when you hold your baby's baby...the emotions these people invoke are endless and the highest of the highs and the lowest of the lows and everything in between. 

This year, with my birthday a week away, the state back on socially restrictive measures, life being all kinds of weird and the future - at best - shaky, my plan is to celebrate.  To have a hugely amazing meal with my family on Thanksgiving, to give thanks that even though I've taken some very wrong turns and made quite a mess of my life at times, I'm still here.  There's still an opportunity to recover, to learn, to grow, to laugh, to love and to celebrate. 

3 Rounds of Enough

Round 1

You have mistaken my kindness for weakness

And 

My silence for ignorance

I am neither weak nor dumb

Your eyes meet mine

As we exchange a knowing look

A silent look that says so much 

You pause

Wait

Expecting a reaction

My eyes are saying so much

You know

I know

That is enough 

Round 2

You have assumed my silence is compliance 

And that I am complicit, kindly unaware

We lock eyes

We are not looking at one another

We are locked in battle with one other

My defiant eyes let you know

I am neither complicit

Nor compliant

I’m very aware

You’ve done me wrong

I know

You know

Have you done enough?

Round 3

As I quietly put my clothes in a bag

You are watching 

Stunned into your own silence

We have looked at one another

Locked eyes with one another 

We’ve been silent 

We’ve spoken

You’ve repented

I’ve forgiven

You mistook my kindness for weakness

I’ve given Enough

I’ve taken Enough

I’ve had Enough

The Game of Love

He wrote as if it was about her.

This was his con. To make every “her” feel she was THE her. HIS her.

This was his gift and HER curse.

Because if you actually read the words and didn’t get caught up in the con, every word was about HIM and he said very loudly and very clearly: There was no HER.

He studied women. Spoke with women. Remembered women. So his sweeping generalities and flowing script cast a wide net.  EVERY woman could relate. See something of herself reflected. Their unhealthy mirror made them believe the depth of his knowledge was a show of his attention to and intentions with HER.

But his inbox was full of DM’s from so many HERS.  Because each one of them believed that what THEY shared was special, her response was sent to him privately. In his inbox. Email. Text message. His phone blowing up with the notifications. His ego swelling with each response.

And the con became a solid way of life.  The question is: who is he trying to CONvince?  Himself or all the otHERS?

Miscommunication

I gave you my hope
You took my body
I wanted you Whole
You wanted a hole
A hole in you satisfied
A hole in me filled
So you filled me with semen
And as you were leavin
I finally came
Came to my senses
And stopped believing
We wanted the same thing
I crave the spiritual
You’re stuck in the physical

Can You Feel That

I feel you inside me
Even though you’re hundreds of miles away
Lay back. Close your eyes.
Can you feel that?
Can you feel me as you fill me?
Fill my mind with knowledge.
Fill my spirit with love.
Fill my body with craving.
Touch yourself.
Can you feel that?
Feel me, as you fill me.

We Mattered

He entered my body through every hole
Feeling me so deeply He found my Soul
Finding the edge of my passion and pain
Taking me beyond every limit releasing the strain
Prostrate on the floor naked and exposed
My body an offering and a prayer
Kneeling at his feet
My surrender complete
He Came
I Lived
We Mattered