Without My Sister

Learning to do things without my sister is difficult.  She was my person...I was her person.  When I couldn't figure things out, when I was scared, alone, wanting to go to my unhealthy habit places for comfort, she was the one I called. She was the one who understood, very deeply, my need for escape. She understood why I chose the things I chose as escapes.  I understood why she also needed to escape.

My daughter told me this morning learn how to channel my sister so I could keep my head in the game and not run away from the hard stuff.  I'm trying. My sister said a lot to me.  She also held me accountable.  I knew that if we agreed on a boundary, she'd hold me to it.  I can hear her voice in my head, I can imagine what she'd say to me on days like today where I can't stop crying.  But the accountability piece is missing.  Since she's been gone I've been looking for her replacement.  Someone who knew all my secrets, who I could tell new secrets to and they would keep them.  She was my secret keeper - old ones and new ones.  She went to her grave holding my secrets...I live my life holding hers.

My very first boyfriend called me a few weeks ago.  It felt like life again...it felt like someone who knew stuff about me that no one else knew was here again.  I was so thankful, so grateful, so excited to have someone I'd been so intimate with at such a young age to be here and present.  I was trying to revive my relationship with my sister.  I was re-imagining what it was like to have someone that close, that intimate, someone with such longevity present in my life again.

But that doesn't exist.  There is no one like that in my life.  Eventually, I will accept the fact that there never will be again. I cannot re-imagine or re-create the relationship I had with my sister.  There is no one who will ever hold my secrets again...except me.  I'm my own secret keeper.  That kind of love can't be replicated.  There will never again be anyone who knows so much about me and loves me wholly for who I am.  That thought is so scary, so daunting...so excruciatingly painful that I am paralyzed with the grief of it today.

It's been nearly a year and a half since my sister died.  The entire year following her death was a year of repeated bad decisions.  A bad relationship decision.  A bad move decision.  A bad car purchase decision...A year of loss and grief.  Exactly a year after she died I left all the bad decisions behind and am making new decisions...although I still drive that bad car decision.

I have never felt so alone. I've never felt grief to this depth.  I've never experienced the loss of someone I love this much.  I don't know how long it takes to adjust.  I don't know how to live with out a secret keeper.

I miss my sister today.

Guided Towards the Door

My life is a story and just when I think the main characters have all been chosen, the story line changes.  Tomorrow, a chapter closes.  Last year, from start to finish, was an entire year of bad decisions.  It started with a memorial for my sister and ended with me being completely upended.  A year of loss, avoidance, denial, rejection and heart ache.  A new year begun with the realization that every thing I need, I already have.

Passionate, forgiving, loyal, constant love and belonging.  A safe place to live.  Someone (several someones) to hold me when I cry, to celebrate my successes, to call me on my shit, to let me love them back just as fully.  My family...my kids...their mates...this kind of love is so rare and such a gift. I'm blessed to have it many times over.

The last couple months of 2015 were spent in tears.  The beginning couple months of 2016 were spent questioning everything about myself.  After a year long experience of rejection and loss, those questions needed to be asked and answered.  The answers are all right here.  Like Dorothy, I have everything I need.

Last night, a man put his hand in the small of my back to direct me towards a door.  That simple gesture sent chills up my spine.  It's the little things, the simple gestures of kindness that remind us of our humanity, of our need for human touch and connection.  The simple act of guiding someone towards a door.

Tomorrow, a chapter's ending gets written.  I'm being guided toward a door that leads to the unknown and just like always, I'm insatiably curious.  What comes next? Who am I gonna meet? What am I gonna know a year from now that I don't know now?  What am I gonna learn?

I'm incredibly thankful for the friends I made this past year, the child who changed my life, the hand in the small of my back to remind me to connect with mine and others humanity and head towards the open door.

Trust...Vulnerability...Disaster

“I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you.” 
― Friedrich Nietzsche

It's true.  And what's worse, is that now I know you're untrustworthy and there are people who I love immensely who trust you.  More than anything, that's what bothers me the most.  I took a risk...I believed you...in fact, I defended you...Loudly..."I believe him" I said.  "I trust that he's telling me the truth", I said.

Now I know it wasn't the truth...If it was just you and me, I'd be perfectly okay...I would cry as I am right now this very minute; asking myself how I allowed myself to be this vulnerable...I'd get angry...and we'd move on as if this fiasco never happened.

But it's not just us...People who I love trust you and love you.  Ernest Hemingway says the best way to find out if you can trust someone is to trust them...I trusted.

Full Moon Prayers

Meditate.  Live purely.  Be quiet.  Do your work with mastery.  Like the moon, come out from behind the clouds!  Shine.  ~Buddha

There’s a full moon tonight.  It is trying to peek out from the storm clouds in the sky.  As the clouds move, you see it in all its glory then the clouds move again and cover it.  But it’s still there.  I know it’s there, even when I can’t see it…because I did see it.  Just because the clouds cover it, doesn’t mean it’s not still there big and beautiful in the sky. 

I’m still here. Still a whole being.  I may be covered in clouds right now which are bringing some storms, but I’m still here. I’m still full, still shining, still doing what it is I’ve been called to do.  Be me.  I’m being me. 

Next month, the full moon will come again.  In the meantime, it will be doing what it needs to be doing in order to make the oceans flow and the Universe function.  From now until then, one moment at a time, one day at a time, one step at a time, I will be moving forward doing what it takes to make me function.  Just because all of me may not be visible right now, I’m still here.

I’m going to stop fighting the weather, stop trying to force conditions before they’re ready.  I’m about to bundle up, protect myself from the storms, and trust the Universe to run on course in perfect time.

I’m sad, smart, tired, hopeful, worried, ready for the next chapter, confident, flexible, stubborn, angry, sorry, resolved. 

Full. 

Rejection, Resilence

“Most fears of rejection rest on the desire for approval from other people. Don't base your self-esteem on their opinions.”   Harvey Mackay

I wanted him to want me. He didn’t want me.  So why am I so hurt now by the reality that he doesn’t miss me?  How can you miss what you never wanted? 

Why is it so hard to sit with rejection even when we knew it was coming?  There’s a heaviness in my chest, an ache in my arms, a catch in my throat.  I’m not falling apart, but I’m not all together either.  I’m in between. Between here and there.  Between where I was and where I’m going.  We’re not together, but I don’t quite yet know how to be apart.  I’m alone, but not…yet. 

While as humans we shouldn’t base our self-esteem on others, it’s very difficult to not question ‘what’s wrong with me’ when facing the rejection of someone we love.  Especially someone we desperately wanted to love us back.  The rejection of love is difficult to take, leaves most of us a little lost, without direction. 

We plan a life with someone. We give up the life we had to create a new one.  We go from me to us…and back to me again.  Sometimes so quickly and with so much loss it’s difficult to find our bearings again.  There isn’t a single resemblance to the life you had before and thoughts of creating a new life with such threadbare means is overwhelming.

And yet…we do.  We find our footing on a precarious path to tomorrow.  We assess what’s left.  We remind ourselves of what is good about us. We surround ourselves with family and friends who actually love us. Who make us smile, who remind of us what’s important in life.  Eventually, the hurt heals.  We create a new life including the learning we gained from this experience, we grow and expand in our capacity to love ourselves.  We are resilient creatures with an endless supply of grace.  We get through, we move on, we laugh again. It's a journey...from us to me. From here to there.  From now until then.  

What Race Are You Running?

If you woke up one morning, stripped of all you own, and were told that in order to stay alive you have race up a hill with all the other people, the winner lives, everyone else perishes: Would you run the race?

I'd let someone else run the race...not because it's impossible, but because I just don't feel like competing anymore. Not in that race, with every other human being. Because competition, a race, winners and losers no longer appeal to me. And to win what? If I'm the only one alive at the end of the race, what's the point? I'm still alone...for no good reason.

I'd look around, find the kindred soul and find something meaningful to do for the remainder of our time. Even if that time is very short. I'd rather be with one person, having great conversation, passionate sex, delicious food and meaningful connection for a very short time rather than be running a useless race with a bunch of people who don't matter. 

Perhaps that is how our life started with a million sperm racing to reach the mark first. It's not how I want mine to end. Let others scramble, race, compete, fight, do too much, move too fast and achieve almost nothing in the process. I want relationships that matter. With very few people. My children so that they can have significant relationships with their children. If I could find one person, just one, that I could be fully naked with, fully vulnerable, fully loved, fully honest and move very slowly and peacefully, my life would have meaning and fulfillment.

I want something more...something better...something deeper...something real. I can try, push, pull, demand, manipulate, pout, reject, fight and a myriad of other contortions in order to force something that isn't there. When what I need to do is be...be still...be myself...be quiet...be honest...be authentic...be vulnerable...It's in the being where what I want will be gotten, not in the doing. 

I am trying. It's so much easier to cook, clean, do laundry, earn money, make motions, laugh, don't speak, demand...hide....I haven't yet learned how to just be and let life happen. I am too controlling. Too insecure. Too afraid of rejection. Not yet completely comfortable being brave. I talk often and say nothing. I need to speak less and say more. 

What I want is easily definable, difficult to attain.

My advice to myself: Just sit if that's what you need to do. Be still and think before you speak. Listen to yourself. Be compassionate and not purposefully hurtful. Don't blame. Be loving. And brave.

The End

I really want to be done with you. My feelings for you will never change, never diminish, never be absent. Your presence in my life will constantly be felt...you're part of me...you're in me. At the same time, I don't want anything to do with you.

The beginning decades of my life were so complicated, messy, full of struggle, along with an immense amount of joy, success, fun and learning. I want the ending decades of my life to easy, peaceful, smooth and without the ups and downs but with the joy, fun and continued learning. You're complicated, messy, a roller coaster of ups and downs, a culture I don't understand and don't want to be part of, you're dishonest when it suits you, you are in an entirely different place than me.

Age is a factor as well as experience. You've missed out on a ton of experiences that you still want to have. I am not in the same place. We are not the right choice for one another. No one is wrong, no one is right...we just have to recognize that we, jointly and separately, are not enough. 


I just want to be done. Not in a bad, negative, angry way. But in a resolved, we've done all we can here, way.