My Hear Hurts

Yesterday was awful, today is a new day. I was miserable but I talked to Dennis on the phone for a couple hours and thought I was over the hump. Hung up the phone and heard "creatures" in my ceiling. This was a first and scared me. I couldn't sleep for fear they'd chew right through the sheetrock, which is of course and unfounded fear. The tiredness and fear began the crying all over again. Have you ever just wished like crazy you could be little and say I'm scared, somebody come sleep with me? You know how it's okay for a kid to crawl in bed with her parents, I want it to be okay for a grown up to make the same call without it being awful.

I toss and turn all night. I get up this morning and my arms ache as if I've lifted weights, which I haven't. I decide to put away all the books and what not from yesterday, spill a half drunk bottle of diet coke all over students writing and books. The tears start again.

I decide I need to "clean house" and throw out months worth of writing. Months worth of making plans. Months worth of dialog. I know it's a good to cleanse. I want to build a fire -- I love fire and water. I want to dance naked next to the ocean. I want to feel the joy of freedom and I enjoy. And oddly, I wish I could spend the day in the prison today. Where I'm reminded constantly of the blessings in life.

How come a hurt heart results in clumsiness and body aches and confusion?