Catching Up

It's been weeks since I've written - here or in my journal. My insides are so unsettled, questioning everything with no clear direction. My life completely lacks meaning and I'm struggling with that. Or perhaps, the struggle is with living my own life and not being or doing for others. Several weeks ago my kids took the opportunity to tell me most of what they think is wrong with me. Had it been done with respect and sense of love, perhaps the outcome would be different. But it wasn't. It was angry, mean and there was little to no love involved in the delivery. They seem to have moved on - I'm stuck. I have defined myself for so long as "mom" and even though I've not done it perfectly, those five people have influenced every decision I've made, all of the guilt I feel has to do with them, my future plans had them in mind. I feel stripped now and can't move away from the cloud that descended that night. Or perhaps what happened is a veil was lifted and I'm looking at the world with a whole new view of ugliness. What is real for me now is that my defintion of self has come from outside rather than inside. My sense of self has been in defintion of relationship, as a mom and Boomer's girlfriend. Trying to balance those two opposite requirements has left everyone feeling let down - especially me. Now how do I define myself? Where does meaning in my life come from? It's certainly not in the work I'm currently doing. That lacks any sort of value - other than helping me look at myself and define what is worth while to me. Elisabeth has four more years of school and those years, for me, are a time to figure out really what I want to do when she's on her own. I also want to be the best possible parent to her - so maybe she won't stand on a street corner and tell me what a fuck up I am. I know I've not been good at relationships and that my family is a difficult one to penetrate. My inability to define "me" outside of parenthood as made any connection difficult. That being said, Boomer has hung in there through 7 years of change, drama, my anger, her insecurity, me being discontent with life, changing my mind, changing it again, and now being completely undone. This love is not perfect, the situation is not ideal but I do know that she loves me. That's a first - for me to know that someone loves me.