The Early Years

I was born on November 30, 1963 in Harbor City, CA. I was born at 1:22 AM in a Kaiser Hospital on PCH – Pacific Coast Hwy, Hwy 101. Oddly enough, I now live just blocks off Hwy. 101 in Gearhart, OR. It seems my roots always call me back to the ocean. I have no idea how much I weighed or what my mom’s delivery was like. My mom was two weeks away from being 23, my dad had just turned 26 and I was their third child. Definitely not wanted and definitely disappointing that I was female. My parents always joked that they had two kids and two mistakes – Sheryle and I mistakes, Lynnette and Andrew children named after their parents. The story of my name goes something like this: my mom was in labor waiting for my dad to arrive and there was a little girl bouncing all over the room being naughty. Her mom kept saying, “Stephanie Ann sit down. Stephanie Ann, be good.” Thus, when I was a girl and they were ill prepared with a name, that one came up and stuck. My mom used to say that’s why I was naughty. She also used to say that she prayed for patience and god gave her me, thus, requiring her to have a great deal of patience. Not the most loving welcome, but here I was. I have no memories until I’m nine. Perhaps one sort of vague memory of my uncle getting a blow job from my auntie – they lived across the street from us and I think I just walked in without knocking. I used to have bad dreams that someone was murdered in a house across the street and I have some vague memory of our Latina neighbor holding me whilst letting me lick sugar cubes. Other than those two very vague, somewhat cloudy memories, nothing until I’m 9. I have never viewed myself as a victim, but have always felt comfortable with the label of survivor. Never quite sure what I’m surviving though. Many years ago a counselor suggested some kind of abuse that happened, thus removing memory from that era of my life. I rejected that theory at the time and if that did happen, I have zero memory of it. Below is a list that comprises adult symptoms of early abuse survivors. The list contained a few more items, but I have listed only those that I can demonstrate having experienced and/or continue to experience in my life.
Being in your body
· Do you feel at home in your body?
· Do you feel that you are a part of your body or does your body feel like a separate entity?
· Do you find it difficult to listen to your body?
Emotions
· Do you feel out of control of your feelings?
· Do you feel you sometimes don't understand all the feelings you are experiencing?
· Are you overwhelmed by the wide range of feelings you have?
Relationships
· What are your expectations of your partner in a relationship?
· Do you find it easy to trust others?
· Do you find difficulty in making commitments?
· Even though you're in a relationship, are you still lonely?
· Is it hard for you to allow others to get close to you?
· Do you find yourself in relationships with people who remind you of your abuser, or you know is no good for you?
Self-Confidence
· Do you find it difficult to love yourself?
· Do you have a hard time accepting yourself?
· Are you ashamed of yourself?
· Do you have expectations of yourself that aren't realistic?
Major Long-Term Medical Symptoms of Early Abuse
1. Insomnia
2. Eating Disorders
3. Headaches
4. TMJ syndrome
5. Low back pain, chest pressure
Major Long-Term Psychological Symptoms of Early Abuse
1. Anxiety
2. Panic Attacks
3. Low self-esteem
4. Stress disorders - PTSD

Admittedly, my mom was a bit harsh, even abusive – but enough to cause this kind of outcome? She used to do crazy things, treat us poorly, we were her servants for all intents and purposes. She did what she knew to do. Having heard some of her story from my uncle, I understand that her childhood was one of abandonment and abuse. Perhaps she did better than the people who raised her, but perhaps I’ve chosen to not remember the worst of items in order to move forward. Where was my dad in all this? My dad is the epitome of hear no evil, speak no evil, see no evil. He avoids conflict at all costs. He worked at the same company for over 35 years and did what he had to do to raise a family in Southern California. He worked during the week and on the weekends, we camped, fished, or my dad gardened in the back yard. We slowly became the quintessential white family of the OC. House with five bedrooms, three bathrooms and a pool in the backyard, my parents stayed married until my mom passed away. Below is another list, which frankly I find quite enlightening:
1. Low self-esteem, feeling worthless.
2. Fear of abandonment and other abandonment issues.
3. Unexplained fears of being alone at night, nightmares and/or night terrors. . .
4. Feeling overly grateful/appreciative from small favors by others.
5. Boundary issues: lack of, needing to be in control, power issues, fear of losing control...
6. Unexplained anxiety/panic, when with individuals from childhood.
7. Extreme guilt/shame.
8. History of being involved in emotionally, psychological and/or physically violent relationships(emotionally, physically).
9. Distorted body image/poor body image.
10. Hypervigilance.
11. History of ambivalent or intensely conflictive relationships.
12. Depersonalization. Feeling oneself to be unreal and everyone else to be real (or vice versa).
13. Blocking out periods of one's life (usually ages 1-12) or a specific person or place.
14. Obsession with suicide at various times of the year or after triggering events.
15. Wearing layers of clothing, even in the summer - caused by body image issues.
16. Intense anxiety and/or avoidance of gynecological exams.
17. Unexplained fears of suffocation.

If you asked me “Were you abused as a young child?” my answer would no. But for sure, reading this list, I think any professional would say, likely. And the whole layering clothes, I passed that crazy behavior on to my kids. When they were babies, I ALWAYS put more than one layer on them. I’m not sure how many of them still do it, I think all five of them. I know I feel horribly uncomfortable without more than one layer on. It can make me have a very bad day. And I still can’t sleep in the dark or with the window shut. I fear I’ll suffocate during the night. I get anxious about sleeping in hotels when the windows don’t open and hate traveling because I’m not in control, can’t get fresh air on the plane and fear getting lost.

The next blog entry will be an overview of the middle years: ages 9 – 18. A time of life when I actually have memory!