Ode To Lauren Hough

 

Dear Lauren,

I’ve read your book and am confident I’m your soulmate.  Your words made me cry, laugh, relate, worry, want more, and fall in love.  There’s no doubt those words were written to me…for me…as an effort to find me.  Luckily for you, it worked!  As a bonus, you became a New York times best seller.  Seems like a grandiose plan to find me, but you’re not afraid of risks or big actions.  I LOVE that about you.  I know you so well.  Did I mention I read your book?  Every word.  Yeah, yeah…I know it’s about a portion of your life, but I’m intelligent and intuitive so I’ve filled in all the gaps.  Your life has been a shit show…same for me.  We’re both better now…which of course isn’t true but it’s what the world thinks so let’s just let them think that. 

Since you haven’t met me yet, allow me to introduce myself.  I’m Stephanie.  Currently I live in Seattle but will be packing soon to head your direction.  I’ve never been to Austin and am so excited to get there!  In fact, I’ve never been to Texas.  You’ve been working on your van for quite some time in order to road trip in it, I’ll come and help you finish that.  I’m super organized, can write a great plan and budget, and will for sure cure your procrastination on that project.

Oh, yes.  I’m forgetting to introduce myself.  I’m a little older than you, but not enough for it to be an issue.  I’m short, a natural red head…well…it used to be natural but age is not kind so now there’s some help in keeping it red. I’m a bit chubby..but you know what they say…more cushion less pushin…so really this is all for your comfort!  I’m an aspiring writer – just one more thing we have in common. When I get there we can spend hours on the porch reading and writing together.  Do you have a porch? My new friend Liwen told me I’m funny so there’s that.  I’ll keep you organized, cure procrastination AND make you laugh.

OOH!!! My email just dinged with a new message from you…hold on while I go read today’s love letter….

 

“You’re at a wedding and someone says they love you. You’ve never seen them before. But they know all about you. They ask about your family, in front of your family. They know all the wrong parts. All the wrong names. You’re a liability now. You brought everyone in and tried to draw a line they were already camping inside. What the fuck were you thinking. You know what it feels like when they need to tell twitter about you. When you’re something like a trophy, disheveled and wearing the wrong t-shirts and in need of a shower, but a trophy nonetheless, or something like it.”

 

Wait….Are there people out there who think they know you and love you just because they read your book?  How utterly ridiculous can people be?   

Talking About Vulnerability

 

I’ve been having conversations about vulnerability lately and hearing the term used in the media.  It seems to be the current catch word. But are we using the word so much that it’s lost its…vulnerability?  According to Webster vulnerability is “the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally”.  Brene Brown, the leader in research on shame and vulnerability, defines it as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. But vulnerability is not weakness; it's our most accurate measure of courage”. 

While I’ve been having these conversations about vulnerability, nothing about them feels vulnerable.  I crave a certain level of exposure, but it doesn’t work long or well if the other person isn’t also willing to take risks.   Talking ‘about’ something, isn’t the same as ‘being’ something.  How can we move from talking about being vulnerable into being vulnerable? What are the steps necessary to get there?

First and foremost, we must know ourselves and be comfortable with what we find.   How can we possibly risk exposure if we haven’t done the work ourselves?  When I was a social worker, my clients used to ask me why I was so okay sitting with their shit.  My answer? I learned to sit with my own shit. 

What I’m craving, is someone who can sit with my shit.  Someone who can hear my stories and remain.  Remain open. Remain interested.  Remain engaged.  Someone who is also willing to take the risk and expose themselves to me.  Letting me see their emotions…all of them. The positive and the negative.  Talk to me. Tell me what you think. About everything.

A one sided relationship is never fun.  While I can be vulnerable and am willing to be, if the other person doesn’t follow and share on a deep level, it’s not long before I’m retreating. Putting distance – physically and emotionally – between us. 

For now, I’m going to keep testing the waters.  Being vulnerable.  Being real.  And, hopefully, run into someone who wants to reciprocate.  What I’ve learned is, test the waters. Share.  But when the other person isn’t wading into the deep waters with me, retreat before I drown. 

Kindness Is My Religion

 

In every religion I’m familiar with, in secular humanism and just good old fashioned home training, treating other humans with kindness is a value embraced by all. 

Treat not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful.  – Buddhism

Consider what humanists aspire to be as ethical agents. ... They wish always to respect their fellow human beings, to like them, to honor their strivings and to sympathize with their feeling. – Secular Humanism

So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” Matthew 7:12 - Christianity

We can be more tolerant, more neighborly, more friendly, more of an example than we have been in the past. Let us teach our children to treat others with friendship, respect, love, and admiration. That will yield a far better result than will an attitude of egotism and arrogance (President Gordon B. Hinckley, “A Time of New Beginnings,” (Apr. 2000 General Conference). – Church of Latter Day Saints

“Ben Zoma asks, ‘Who is worthy of honor?
The one who treats others with honor.’”
Pirkei Avot (4:1) - Judaism

The Qur’an says, “Do not let the hatred of others to you make you swerve to wrong and depart from justice. Be just: that is next to piety.” (Quran Surah Al-Maa’idah, 5:8) That is, do not let your enmity for your enemies exceed the limits and turn you away from justice in either words or actions. – Islam

Each of these religions also admonish us not to repay evil with evil.  1 Peter 3:9, Sunan al-Tirmidhī , Prophet Moroni admonished the Latter Day Saints to not respond with evil but with kindness. While I know all this to be true, every once in a while, I forget.

The other day I spoke with less than kindness to a customer service person at Costco and it made my grandson laugh out loud. It wasn’t funny, he was just shocked to hear it. It reminded me that I’m an example and he’s watching.

Yesterday I had to go to another office to pick up a check which had been delivered there.  As I walked in, I said “Hi, I have a check to pick up.” One woman looked up but ignored me as if I hadn’t spoken. The woman with the check, one desk over, raised the check above her head with one hand while never looking away from what she was doing. She raised the check like a flag, waving it towards me without ever looking at me or uttering a word. 

Taking the check being waved at me, I said “Thank you” and exited the building.  The level of disrespect and unkindness was shocking.

Granted, these were the same women who said very derogatory and nasty things about me just a few weeks ago…and I certainly don’t expect gushing kindness or welcoming arms, but professional kindness…is that too much to ask?

As I drove away, I was seething.  That level of disrespect is something that angers me instantly.

And then I remembered my encounter with the customer service person at Costco. 

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

Okay, okay, I’m listening.  I get it.

So, thank you ladies for reminding me that I fall short in living up to my own values.  Lessons come in many forms. 

Origin Haiku

 

Born in ‘63

The world at war over race

My parents with me

 

It was always said

Some have kids, some have mistakes

They had two and two

 

Two kids who they love

And two unwanted mistakes

Life is a gamble

 

Two kids to adore

Fifty/fifty chances there

Two more to regret

 

Mistake number One

Drugs and alcohol, she’s dead

Dear God, I miss You

 

Me, I’m Mistake Two

Not sure what to be and do

Seeking my own voice

2 Timothy 2: 1- 15

When I was in 7th grade, age 11 for me, a contest was held to go to this bible camp in Estes Park Colorado. Even then, academics and travel were both something I was highly interested in.  In order to be chosen for this camp, it was required to memorize 1 Timothy 2: 1 - 15 and be able to recite it at an interview.  This whole section of Timothy is about studying, listening, learning, teaching and being a good  servant. Aren’t those the best qualities of one who serves? Being willing to study, remain faithful, teach others and share knowledge without getting caught up in the ‘affairs of this life’? 

My life has been one of service. To my partners, to my children, to educating others, to caring for prisoners and homeless people, people addicted to drugs and suffering from mental health issues.  Being of service is where I thrive, it is what makes sense to me. Telling the truth about what’s working and what isn’t working makes sense to me.  Telling the truth in order to educate and create change makes sense to me. 

This makes sense to me in whatever capacity I’m working and serving.  I may be doing accounting or paralegal work or real estate contracts but I’m still in service in those capacities. There’s still an opportunity for teaching and learning.  There is always an opportunity to teach and to learn whether that’s from a couple whose been married for 45 years and refinancing their house, or the abused man who is getting a divorce and is afraid to say he’s been being abused, or the young entrepreneur who is chasing his passion but has no idea how to file taxes…all of these people have taught me something.  Hopefully, I’ve taught them something as well.  

This section of Timothy ends with the admonishment to ‘study to show thyself a workman who needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.’  Study…so I do a good job and I don’t need to be ashamed of standing in the truth.  And then, divide that truth…Divide means to share or share in parts.  Dividing the word of truth means sharing what you’ve learned.  If you know something and I know something and we both share that knowledge, we each know more than we did before.  Which is a good thing. 

If we work for the same organization, are part of the same family, are working in a volunteer capacity, wherever it is we’re serving with others, there should be no competition.  What should be happening is completely sharing information and supporting one another in our common goal.  1 Thessalonians 5:11 - Therefore encourage one another and lift one another up.  Romans 15:2 Each of us should please our neighbors for their good, to build them up. 

I’m not a Christian, don’t claim to be walking in faith.  What I do know, is the Bible has many lessons of how to live a life that is peaceful and full of love.  It’s filled with admonishments to serve the poor, serve your neighbors and to stand in love and truth even when you’re standing alone.  There is a great lesson in Titus 3:10 about people who like to stir shit up and create divisiveness.  As for a person who stirs up division, after warning him once and then twice, have nothing more to do with him. It’s pretty clear.  Avoid quarreling, speak with kindness and show courtesy to all people.  When someone acts a fool, call them out.  Twice even. Give them a couple chances to correct. When they don’t, walk away.  Have nothing to do with them.  Don’t talk shit.  Don’t be vindictive.  Simply: don’t have anything to do with them.  

Maybe I’m simplifying too much: be kind, continue to study and learn, live a life of service, share knowledge, love everyone, and walk away from people who like to create conflict.  Seems like pretty simple lessons to lead a peaceful life. 

Opportunity

My birthday has become about loss. I cannot separate my birthday from my sister's death...they are intricately connected.  For me, my birthday has become a time of reflection and not celebration.  A time to consider what's important, what is worthy of a response and what isn't.  Who are my priorities and who are not.  Where/when/how I invest my time and emotions.

I am now older than my sister, which is extremely difficult for me.  For two reasons: simply because I'm old and because it seems very odd that I've aged beyond my sister. 

For years, the time between Thanksgiving and christmas has been a time of reflection, of solitude, of NON celebration.  In a way, Thanksgiving is the last meal before a month of fasting. One year, I spent my birthday stocking up and made a commitment to spend nothing for the entire month of December.  The one exception was fuel for my car so that I could get to work.  It was a really good month and very much brought into focus how conspicuous consumerism is pushed so hard, especially at this time of year.  

This year has been strange, difficult, full of learning, forced many of us to slow down, stay home, be reminded of what we really need. We've all been given the opportunity to see who we really want to see and speak to when social options are so limited.  You never know who you're going to be when times are hard...unless you know who you are when times are not  hard.  Because that's who you are. That's who I am.  We are who we are.  Hard times don't make us who we are, they show us who we are. 

In addition to a world wide health crisis, I've had a personal health crisis which provided me the opportunity to ask myself hard questions.  How have I lived? How do I want to live in the future? How do I want to die?  Is there something in my past I've really avoided dealing with and need/want to? Are there people in my life I really don't want in my life? Is there anybody who isn't in my life that I miss and very much want to mend those relationships? 

While I've done some pretty cringe worthy things in my life, my life has been worth living.  I've loved my kids with my entire soul and that in and of itself has made life worth being here.  It's always been my contention that our children - without even trying - show us the best and worst of who we are.  The incredible anger that can bubble up at person who can't even walk or talk...the insane amount of patience to answer 'why' 9,000 times in one day...the sheer will to keep going when exhaustion is overwhelming...the courage to apologize when you've messed up and it impacts them negatively...the straight face you have to keep when you actually feel like laughing heartily over something they think is soooo important and you realize that this 12 year old has no idea how inconsequential this really is...the most joy and passion ever experienced...the ability to be hurt to your core by the things they say TO you and ABOUT you...the power they have to incite guilt over the most mundane decision...the absolute love and joy when you hold your baby's baby...the emotions these people invoke are endless and the highest of the highs and the lowest of the lows and everything in between. 

This year, with my birthday a week away, the state back on socially restrictive measures, life being all kinds of weird and the future - at best - shaky, my plan is to celebrate.  To have a hugely amazing meal with my family on Thanksgiving, to give thanks that even though I've taken some very wrong turns and made quite a mess of my life at times, I'm still here.  There's still an opportunity to recover, to learn, to grow, to laugh, to love and to celebrate. 

3 Rounds of Enough

Round 1

You have mistaken my kindness for weakness

And 

My silence for ignorance

I am neither weak nor dumb

Your eyes meet mine

As we exchange a knowing look

A silent look that says so much 

You pause

Wait

Expecting a reaction

My eyes are saying so much

You know

I know

That is enough 

Round 2

You have assumed my silence is compliance 

And that I am complicit, kindly unaware

We lock eyes

We are not looking at one another

We are locked in battle with one other

My defiant eyes let you know

I am neither complicit

Nor compliant

I’m very aware

You’ve done me wrong

I know

You know

Have you done enough?

Round 3

As I quietly put my clothes in a bag

You are watching 

Stunned into your own silence

We have looked at one another

Locked eyes with one another 

We’ve been silent 

We’ve spoken

You’ve repented

I’ve forgiven

You mistook my kindness for weakness

I’ve given Enough

I’ve taken Enough

I’ve had Enough